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Old 07-29-2012, 11:55 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 350
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The first thing to do is to breathe through the bad pinches and ride out your emotions. I really like what GalaGirl always says - emotions are like weather. They just are. Rain is rain. Wind is wind.

You can get to a point where you're really good at dealing with the weather and know how to put an umbrella up... but if you're in a panic, scrambling around to find the umbrella won't help you find it faster.

There are many times when my girlfriend blurts something out that I don't want to hear. I scream inside and wish I hadn't heard it... but I tell myself "this too shall pass" and ride out the feelings until they fade away.

The intensity of your emotion is down to the fact you've only just stabilised yourself after a rocky time. Part of the stabilisation was that things changed for the better. Then the original thing that bothers you slaps you in the face.

I have this idea about fighting poly demons. Here's an example.

I really struggled the first time my GF slept with someone a few weeks ago. It was her first fully sexual partner outside of our 1.5 year relationship.

A few days later, she told me that the sex wasn't the best, it was fun, not mind-blowing, not awful.

That helped ease some of my demons.

But I was disappointed. Why was I disappointed? Because I wasn't given the chance to think "this guy is amazing in bed, yet I'm not threatened." I know that sounds strange... but I felt Demon Cheated! I wanted to grab the most scary demon by the balls and shake him out!

I'd actually rather tell myself that someone is better, or as good as, me in bed... because I know that what we have is still good enough for her to stay. And if she did find something better and left... that I could handle that. Does that make sense?

So what I'm saying to you is... your brain had just thought... "oh finally, a breather"... but the demon was still there. And it got poked at by reading that message.

Being told that you are boring in bed is a very, very, very harsh thing to hear. Boring is probably the worst way someone could put it, because it can destroy your confidence.

That being said.... I try to look at every criticism as a gift. I've realised so much about my self through my girlfriend pointing out painful things... and I've grown from them.

If what he's saying is true... that for *him*... you are 'boring' in bed.... well, now you know and you have the chance to work on it. It's far worse never to know, in my opinion.

Also, just because he *might* have found you a certain way... doesn't mean that everyone else will. I can say for definite that what I find boring in bed can thrill other people. Sex is about compatibility as much as anything else.

As for Finch showing you that message.... it's taken over a year to get to this point, but I've finally accepted that I don't want or expect full disclosure from my GF, in terms of her other relationships.

Remember that what you read or hear can only be warped by your perception. Things are always taken out of context.

Once, I went on holiday with my ex GF. It was the first time I'd ever, ever been away from my ex BF, my best friend, my soul mate, for longer than a couple of days. We didn't want to get back together. There was nothing sexual or romantic in it. He text me and said that he watched my train leave, crying and that he loved me so much. I told him that I loved him so much. My GF went through my phone whilst we were away and read all of our messages. She blew it out of proportion. She never trusted me regarding him for the rest of our relationship and it's one of the main reasons we broke up.

I give you that anecdotal advice because I want you to see that whatever you experience second-hand is never how it is first-hand. There is no possible way to step inside Finch's mind and see exactly every little feeling, thought or emotion he has towards you. I don't believe in 'don't ask don't tell'..... but I think full disclosure is not only an invasion of the GF's privacy.... it's a recipe for warped perception and disaster.

My advice is... from now on.... expect to be told when they have communicated, expect to be told if things are progressing, if they want to meet up, if he's falling in love.... basically, anything that effects you. But don't ask to read their messages.

If you still feel insecure about your sex life with him, you absolutely must work on that before you continue down the poly road. Maybe you should have another conversation with him about that and see if you can work something out?
__________________

Me: (30f) open poly
Serious long-distance relationship with GF (40f)
Casual FWB with Descartes (27f)



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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