Sitting on the deck at Carob's ma's place - 1hr drive out of town. We wanted to get away somewhere for our three year anniversary but too broke really
His ma just bought this place after selling her old place in town. It's so beautiful out here. Plains and mountains all around me, a smear of clouds across a blue winter sky... Shorts and t-shirt weather, amazing.
Ella headed away yesterday. Spent a couple of nights with her. First time just the two of us... she's still quite rough from breakup with Carob. Interesting dynamics. Was kind of hard. I mean, I'm just getting to know her. I really like her, she's cute, smart, hilarious, sexy, so delicious, she has an electric ukelele. I have no problem with relating to her as a person, and I think there are many adventures we could have together.
But... I dunno if I have time / energy. We'll see. Sounds harsh, but that's how it is. In bed one time, she said "aaah, move back to this city." She's at uni here for at least another three years. Man. Carob's nearly nearly nearly got a job at our new city. I'm not heading back here for at least another year, I reckon. And, well, yeah. The thought of another long-distance, wrenching, missing kind of relationship really does not appeal.
On the other hand, I don't like the idea of trying to regulate my feelings towards her. Mm. So far, I haven't fallen too hard. I think it's because I know the context - it's gonna be long-distance for the foreseeable future. And, she's just figuring her stuff out (I'm the first girl she's been with)... She has other crushes. So far not dating anyone else, but she could do. And that person may prefer to be monogamous. In which case, I would like to stay friends and not hurt too much.
So I guess I've got my armour on a bit. Keeping me sane... And she knows this is how I'm feeling, so I don't feel like I'm acting poorly towards her. I spent as much time as I could with her before she left. Went to dinner with her folks (I was a "friend"). She came to dinner with a couple of close friends of Sago's & mine.
It feels good to consolidate circles of friends and family. It's making me aware of the areas that are still segregated, though, and I'm getting nervous about not having come out to Sago's family and my parents. I mean, we don't have to do this at all, but I think it would be preferable and - perhaps - necessary (depending on what happens if/when we have kids). Visited Sago's folks the other night. In the past I've felt like it wouldn't be so hard to tell them about being poly, but this time it struck me how much of a betrayal it would feel to them. I don't know whether it's my mood, or me losing my naivete about the situations, or whether it's because it's worse now (like, it would have been better if we'd told them earlier). Ah. Will discuss this more with Sago later. I know this is one of the only concerns of his, in terms of living this way openly. I share his concern... Another topic for another day.
For now, I'm chilling out in the sunshine. Carob's hanging with his bro playing computer games. We've had some rocky moments since I've been back, with him being absorbed in other things and kind of ignoring me. I had a bit of a sleep-deprived meltdown the evening I arrived... Needed more attention than he was giving me. I felt stupid because I knew
he wanted to spend time with me, but felt
like he didn't give a shit about me being there. Eventually talked it out, felt much better. I think it's a symptom of long-distance relationships... there's this adjustment period of wacky emotions when you see each other again. Probably heightened by the general stress of travelling - packing, sorting out other things to make time to see each other.
I love just hanging out in each other's company. Or doing different things in the same house. It's enough to me that I'm being acknowledged... So, even though Carob's been playing this computer game almost all day, he's come out and talked to me every now and then. And I got to sleep in (yay! Hardly ever manage that) while he talked geekery with his bro this morning. His ma just headed back into town. We're about to go for a walk with his bro.
Heading back ourselves tomorrow. Carob's test in the afternoon. Fingers crossed. Flying out a couple days after that. Me time, yay!
(For once I got cancellation insurance on what I've spent on my holiday so far... just in case test results not good... Here's hoping not.)