And so she starts talking to Mahogany about me. About how I am who I say I am. About how she has heard me talking about Mahogany over the last little while, and how she hasn't heard me talk about anyone like that since Elemental. About how Mahogany will never meet anyone else like me, because Florida knows a LOT of people, and that she hasn't ever met someone so open and responsible for self before. How she needs to know that the way that I date other people isn't like how I am dating Mahogany. How she needs to know that it is different. I am silent, because it's like she is speaking from a script written in my heart, and I am horrified to feel tears slipping over my cheeks (I don't cry in front of people!) I feel Mahogany go soft in my arms, and feel her grip my hand like a vice. They talk like that for about fifteen minutes, and I don't say a fucking word. Florida then says she is going to sleep, and "I'll see you in our bed in the morning" to me before clicking off the lights. I try to talk to Mahogany, but she says, "Florida is right there. I can't talk about this - she's right there." I get out bed, get some earplugs from my bag and hand them to Florida after she turns on the lights. "That's so rude!" says Mahogany.... "Florida, do you mind wearing these earplugs so that Mahogany and I can talk?" "Hell no, talk it up, goodnight ladies.... and Mahogany, why do you feel so badly about asking for what you need in life?" and with that the light snaps back off, and I am in the warmth of Mahogany's curled up body again.
We talk, and I tell her what I want. I tell her that I am willing to give her husband what he needs - no sexual contact, no fucking - but that I do want to have her as my girlfriend. That I want to take her on dates, touch her, hold her hand, give her massages and foot rubs, run my hands through her hair, and have all manner of intimate touch without any contact with forbidden fruits. That if he can give me that, that I can give him and her celibacy, but that I don't just want to be her friend and deal with these feelings that I have for her. She likes this idea. A lot. And you know? So do I. I have a lot of avenues for my sexuality, but this feels more like a love that I want to have. Like I can finally feel what I want to feel for a woman, and have her be my girlfriend. Like the sex doesn't even really matter, because she is so green, and half the shit I do.... well, okay, a lot more than half of the shit I do
is too much for her. That me stroking her arm is almost better than me kissing her, because she can have all of those feelings of desire without having to worry that I'm going to want to collar and crop her
I pry myself away from her fine, lithe form, and head for my bed. And I don't get a wink of fucking sleep for hours. I'm supposed to be a back up practitioner at a Reiki day, and my anxiety/sleeplessness only grows as I worry about being awake/alert/present enough with so little sleep. I finally give myself permission to not go the next day so that I can relax enough to sleep. There is a kerfuffle in the morning when Mahogany realizes that we have slept in, but after explaining the situation/debating whether SHE still needs to go because she signed up, we decide to mellow out and have a nice city morning.
Off to brunch at one of my favourite cafes, I am completely unapologetic about catching Mahogany's finger's in mine, or playing with the nape of her neck while she drives. I have the place that I want to be defined inside of my heart/head/body, and I have no moral quarrels anymore, and I know that Mahogany loves it by the way that her pinky curls around my thumb, the way that I feel her skin prickle as I bite into it with my sculpted nails, and the way that she freaks out when she sees someone she knows and I simply drop my hand away from her body and say, "I will only stop touching you if you ask me too."
Florida says, "Please don't break her heart, I really want to hang out with you two again...." and we hug each other to death after we load her stuff into her rental car.
Mahogany is mine to touch and talk to the whole way home, and I fucking love it. Know that I will fall in love with this woman utterly if she so allows me, in all of her neurosis and anxiety and unyielding intelligence and sexual beauty. Le fuck, le fuck, le FUCK! I tell her she needs to find a time to ask her husband if I can have these things from her. If she can be mine in this way. That I won't ask for any of the parts that he wants to keep. That she needs to think about what she wants from me. About who she wants ME to be in her life, what I can and cannot do if she is going to be happy (ie - don't buy collars in front of me, LOL!).
She likes all of it.
I get home and Elemental and I have an epic phone gossip, not really having talked since he left for work after our tryst with Sunshine. We're having so much fun talking that he decides to call it a day (working up at our cabin) and come home to hang out for the rest of the night.
Him and Sync talked on the phone the evening before. Holy fuck there is some stuff to write about there, but I fear it's time for a tea and some downtime. I have been overly social for too many days in a row, and it's time to chill the fuck out and recharge so that I am fresh for work on Monday instead of feeling like I need a vacation from my vacation time.
Life. Living it. Loving it. Learning from it. I feel like I am discovering a side of myself that I never knew existed, and it makes my eyes fill up with tears a little bit. All I know is that Elemental and I seem to have come to a pretty fucking good place again, and it makes my heart quiet and still and so very, very happy to be living this life with him.