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Old 12-05-2009, 05:29 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Riunin View Post
As before I'm the mono guy in a relationship with a poly girl. We've started to talk about it more openly but it still scares me and hurts me to think about, but that's not the problem, I care enough about her to not protest this, even if its painful to me.
Honestly, I think this is a big part of the problem. Right now, both of you are having to set aside major fundamental parts of yourself for the sake of the relationship. That usually translates into a whole lotta pain on both sides.


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We were talking yesterday, she said that she wanted a girlfriend and I said that that was ok, but that I wasn't ready yet and that I didn't know when I would be. She said that there was no one right now, but if she found someone she was going to try to act on it, and that I wouldn't have to meet her. This hurt me a little but I replied that I'd have to meet the girl, that I wouldn't want a threesome or whatever a more typical guy would want, I'm not interested in that, but that I'd have to meet her. I told her if it happened I would probably be jealous and it may effect our relationship.
Despite the fact that you said it was ok that she wants another girlfriend, everything else you're saying here suggests that it's actually *not* ok with you. You're telling her that you want to meet the girl, but that it may cause problems for your relationship. This almost seems like a form of brinksmanship in that you're giving her a "damned if you do, damned if you don't situation". (I'm not referring to the idea of her keeping the relationship secret, I'm referring to her pursuing an outside relationship at all)

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I have to meet the girl, I'll probably hate her, demonize her, turn her into an enemy, but I have to meet her and speak to her and have a face.
Honestly, this is another big red flag that the idea of your girlfriend seeing other people definitely not ok with you. This type of attitude creates an atmosphere that constricts your partner's ability to find relationships. I would never want to get involved with someone who says, "I really want to date you, but just to let you know, my partner will probably really resent you when we're dating." Frankly, that kind of behavior on the part of a partner who agrees to be in some form of poly relationship is just not ok.

The trouble here is that you seem to not want to agree to a poly relationship yet feel that you should for the sake of preserving the relationship. If that's the only reason you're agreeing, it's going to cause a lot of pain for both you and her in the long run.


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It made me realize though, that this strange community I don't fit with, that on some level I oppose but am willing to get involved in for her a much different than myself. That she can think that cheating is having someone else and leaving me for them. That that is what she thinks I'm afraid of, that that's why it hurts me. It's more than that, the fear of be left is there surely, the fear of chasing her away, the fear of becoming distant and having us change, but there's also the feeling of not being enough, the feeling of betrayal, the loss of time with her that I so treasure, and well I am a guy so also the loss of potential sex. And now there is a fear of deception, of being lied to, of her simply not being able to comprehend how I feel and how she can make it right.
I do wonder if these fears and insecurities would go away if the relationship was not open or poly on her part. I'm thinking that they would still find ways of appearing.

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So anyway my question, How does this community see cheating, what is cheating to you, how bad is it, please act like I'm three, because apparently the mindsets are so different that its the only way to express things properly.
For me, cheating is going against the agreements about the relationship made by both of you. Some couples have a policy of "don't ask, don't tell". If they've both agreed to it, then it's not cheating (though it certainly wouldn't be my cup of tea)

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And also, if you could help me find the words that will express the way I feel to her, words that will make her understand me I would appreciate it so very much. I honestly hope she doesn't find anyone else, as cruel as it sounds and as bad as it feels, I don't want to give up that time with her, I don't want to have to deal with the stress and the conflict and whatever else it is I so dread. But if it happens it needs to happen a way that I can live with, and I need to get that across.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you really don't want a poly relationship and that you really want a monogamous relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. However there is something wrong with telling her you'll put up with something that's closer to what she wants while secretly hoping things get to remain the way you want them to then getting upset and hurt when they don't. That's passive aggressive. There is something wrong with telling her that it's ok when it's clearly not ok, because it will just surface in all sorts of other ways that will be painful and ugly. If you are trying to stay in this relationship because you think you could turn it into something closer to what you want and further from what she wants then you're not really being entirely honest with yourself or with her.

I don't know if you went into this relationship knowing about her desire to be open or not, but clearly it seems that you have fundamentally different relationship goals. You deserve to have a happy relationship that fits in with what you want out of a relationship. There's no reason you can't have that.

Last edited by Ceoli; 12-05-2009 at 05:36 PM.
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