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Old 07-28-2012, 02:30 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
DISCLAIMER: I apologize if I sound harsh, but in these moments I find it easier to just Spit It Out in the hopes of moving something forward even if it is Hard to Hear. So since you asked for feedback... I humbly offer it in good intention spirit.
GalaGirl.... I always like your blunt responses... please feel free to get as harsh as you like. That sounded much more flirtatious than intended.


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This is because of Granny's OWN discomfort. NOT YOU. Your presence makes her confront and face things within her that feel yucky. It's easier to project it on you (the not wanting to feel yucky) than to harness that to do the personal growth work it takes within to not give a rat's ass what anyone else thinks!
I absolutely agree with and understand this. I do not take it personally - I simply think it's a shame that she does not know how to, or want to, do the personal growth work. But c'est la vie.

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Then GF needs to stand her ground as an adult person and say "Granny, I love you, but this poor treatment of me must stop or else I cannot be around you. And I will not be. "
This is something I've encouraged GF to seriously think about for the future. As you say, Baby is only 3 and the younger she is, the less effected by everything she is going to be.

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That she continues to take abuse from Granny teaches Granny that is is BASICALLY OK TO KEEP ON DOING IT and this reinforces to Granny that her opinion that it is "wrong" to be in this formation is "wrong." It is NOT wrong, and you be how you wish to be. But be like honorable Jedi about it. GF is not honoring herself to allow verbal/emotional abuse to slide at the hands of the mother.
Again, I agree with this. Deep-rooted emotional issues between GF and Granny. I won't go into it here, but yes, GF has had a lot of therapy before about Granny. Obviously there's an element of 'second chance' thinking from Granny to Baby.... it's one of the reasons GF keeps her around... she was truly quite rubbish as a parent; yet seems to blossom as a Grandparent.

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Baby is growing watching this, and you do NOT want her growing up thinking it is ok to take crap from close people -- you don't need to pre-groom her for some domestic battering partner for instance! Children are sponges.
This is a very, very good point.

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It's because you guys like having the time off without having to work for it too hard in Babysitter Juggly Land. Own this.
Another good point that I have also tried to talk to GF and hubby about. It's better to pay a babysitter or I'll look after her when I'm there, than to have Baby's upbringing swayed by Granny... unless Granny can get on board.


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Next time stretch it out to how parents come -- from divorces as step-parent people, and lead it to "when a heart is so big it takes 3 to hold it" -- the land of poly.

You have endless children's books (How the Grinch Stole Xmas is classic) even if not actually on poly to help you on your discussion. (Heather has Two mommies -- and more. )
Thank you for this - really great advice.

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What to do when you get outted. Including outted by the child herself.
That's definitely something that needs to be discussed. Thank you for highlighting that.

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That is a reality best planned for. Also the reality of the polyship ending. And your role in the child's life after that as the non-bio person. If you want to maintain a parental role, are the papers drawn up so? As her godmother? Or similar? What about if the partner's have accident and die? Do you get custody of her? Does she shoosh over to Granny?
GF and hubby are in the process of getting the Godmother paperwork changed from Granny to me in the event of their death. The agreed role is that I will have joint input in terms of a non-bio parent. We've started to talk about all of these things; but yes, you're right, everything needs to be decided and solidified for the future.

Incidentally... out of interest (not confrontation) - do you believe that it is wrong, or too difficult, to have children in a poly environment?

It's something that we've all battled with, so I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.
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me: female, 29
GF: my primary girlfriend, 39

3 year, open poly V, long distance
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