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Old 07-27-2012, 09:07 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Talula
Posts: 558
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He emailed me back.
We dont have to tell my family til WERE ready.

I have not been gone half the time and probably never will be. I will always have more time for you then anyone. I will make sure of that.

I dont know if I am falling in love or not with Shasti. I am in love with you.

I had just thought about [Big City] because of the job and if i had to do a lot of work in [that state] I wouldnt be away from you as much but i would be happy just to stay and live in [mid-sized city]. Hon I have taken my test yet and there isn't ajob opening. Nothing to fear

As far as I know I have no vacation planned without you or with anyone else. If you have heard different from someone please let me know. Lol

Call me tonight and we can talk. I love you Baby and I always will. Your my one constant in my life that is always there for me and I would not ever give that up. I miss you to and I do understand what you are feeling. I am not replacing you, I am not leaving you. I love you
He called me and we talked and I started to be able to finally identify what I found so threatening. I think it may be easier to just share what I wrote to him rather than try to write it all out again.
I think that what is threatening to me is that I think it's likely that down the road you are going to feel torn between the two of us. That you'll want to spend more time with them, but guilt and obligation will keep you with me instead. I never felt that you loving someone else might take away from what you feel for me until this scenario presented itself. I had projected the possibility that sometime down the road that you may start a family with someone, so this situation wasn't quite the same, but similar. The difference is that I thought it would be in the future when we were more experienced in polyamory and not just starting out.

I will always be there for you. I'm glad you understand that. And I know you'll always be there for me. I just hope that emotionally you are going to stay connected. I guess that's what everyone hopes for in a relationship regardless of whether they identify as polyamorous or monogamous. It's good that we are also building the skill set to ensure that we can keep our connection alive. I feel closer to you than ever before, but I also feel more vulnerable because I love you more than ever before, too. I feel like for the first time in my life I am "all in". Maybe that's it. I fell even more in love with you this weekend and now I realize that I have everything to loose if we loose our connection. I want to say to you, "Pick me. Love me best," but I also don't want to tell you that, because I don't want to limit your heart. I want you to love to capacity. And selfishly, I want the same things for myself.

You've done nothing wrong, love. In fact, you've done so many, many things right. And that has made me love you even more and is scaring the shit out of me because now I am all in. Finally all in.

I'm sorry it took me 13 years to get here. I always thought following my first marriage that I was broken. A barrier was up that was immovable. I felt like I wasn't capable of trusting someone with all of me or that they would look out for my kids like a parent should, so I kept the wall. I didn't know how to not have the wall.

It's odd to feel like we're on new ground after so many years of history together, but for me it's all new, all overwhelming and raw. And wonderful. Scary and beautiful. Vulnerable.

I guess I had to make myself vulnerable in order to gain all of this. So much risk, so much love.
And later that morning I realized that my insecurities were receding, so I sent him this:
I'm okay. I needed that to reach this place. I am okay. My insecurities are retreating. I'm in love. I need to be vulnerable to be fully in love. The risk is worth it. I am laying my heart in your hands and I trust that you'll take care of it. It doesn't mean that you have to love only me. Your feelings for me are not diminished because of loving others. Love is not like a pie and if you give someone a piece then you have less pie. Capacity to love is infinite and feeling good and loving begets more love. Time on the other hand is finite. It's valuable and we need to make our moments count. That does not mean avoiding the unpleasant, rather maintaining the connection. We could be doing almost any kind of activity and as long as we feel connected, then that's time appreciated and used wisely.
Another truth poked it's way through my subconscious that I didn't have the faith that Twitch has the capacity to do polyamory before then. Deep down I was worried that he was monogamous at heart and that he'd abandon one relationship for another rather than build multiple relationships simultaneously. Last weekend and since he demonstrated to me that he does get the concept and is quite capable of doing polyamory in a very ethical way. He's the one teaching me. It's a relief for me that I can relax into that and not feel like he won't have my back or that he won't always be there for me. He surprised me this weekend by saying that he hopes that Piper and I hit it off and even more than that, he's coming to realize that he may have to give up some time with me so that I can build a tertiary relationship (e.g. weekend time.)

It was still a rough week after that. I saw my therapist at noon on Tuesday and told her all of this. She was happy for me and said for the first time she felt she was seeing me a a bride. And you know what, now I want to get married. Good thing seeing as it's less than 3 months away.

I'm still having a hard time not letting jealousy overcome me when I think of Twitch with Shasti. I want my compersion back. I don't think either one of them has the experience to know what an emotional journey a pregnancy can be. I can see where they could really bond and fall in love and that baby and her will become very important to him.

I had a super lonely week, but on Wednesday I a friend over for a girls' night of gabbing and just company. By Thursday I was starting to get my equilibirum back. I can't wait for him to get home. I need reassurance and time with him. I'm still feeling twinges in my heart.
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