We're into kink. We attended a 3 day event last weekend, Friday to Sunday. I was excited to get to see Twitch because he'd been gone since Monday and had spent the night before with Shasti on his return trip from training down south.
As soon as we had a moment to ourselves he swore me to secrecy (I don't think any of the involved are on this site) and said he had something to tell me, but that Shasti hadn't spoken to Orville yet (Orville was at the same event as us) so mum was the word.
Shasti told him that she wanted to have a baby and that she was checking into in vitro fertilization and adoption. What she wanted to know was if she was pregnant or had a baby if he'd still date her. She didn't want an answer right away. She wanted him to think about it.
(Shasti is a pediatrician.)
One of the things Twitch has been trying to avoid in new relationships is children. He's been through thick and thin helping raise my three kids. He has no romantic allusions, but instead has a background of raising children while not being their father, dealing with the father, and all that goes with raising kids. My youngest leaves for college this Fall. He can see daylight. He can smell the sweet air of freedom. It's right there.....
I could almost hear the sound of a needle screeching across vinyl in his head as the music ended.
I was the one who helped him to see that this could be an opportunity for him. How different this would be than his experience helping to raise my children, because this baby wouldn't have a daddy and there wouldn't be an ex to deal with. That if he wanted and Shasti wanted, he could step into that role.
We discussed our wedding. (things have changed so much in the past year - I never felt like we needed to do this to be committed to each other. Recently he's started feeling the same way.) Should we legally go through with it, or just have a wedding and not file the paperwork, that we didn't think that at this point we could cancel it as relatives have bought plane tickets and we'd have a heck of a time telling them that we weren't going to get married, but we were going to stay together. We tossed about the idea that if we didn't legally marry that we could do so at a courthouse down the road and no one would be the wiser. We discussed an exit strategy should things end - how the debt would be divided and taken care of. He was concerned that without us being married that if something happened to him, I'd get his life insurance, but not his pension, so that was something to consider.
We discussed how his next career move will be to take certification testing and move up to the Federal level and that he'd like to try for a position that is opening up in our region and is based out of [Big City]. I expressed that I didn't think I'd like [Big City] as well as [Mid-sized City], but he assured me that there is a nice neighborhood close by where Shasti lives that he thinks I'd like, and that it's likely that I wouldn't have to work (he knows how to woo me.)
We talked about so many things. I felt safe being able to voice things to him. He was surprising me with his depth of understanding of what it would mean to say to Shasti that he'd continue to date her through a pregnancy, how this would change things. I was also touched by how focused he was that I was okay with all of this and that this was our decision. It was a new level.
On the way home things started to unravel for me. We had separate vehicles and he was behind me. When we got home he said he was surprised I hadn't passed a slow car ahead of me. I said that by the time I realized I had missed an opportunity to get around them that it was gone. I had been lost in thought at the time. He joked and asked if I was thinking of him, and yes, yes, I was. I let him know that for some reason I was really sad and feeling threatened and that I didn't get it. He wanted to know what was bothering me, what thoughts were tumbling around. I didn't want to share because I knew that it was no doubt due to being overtired (we had stayed up almost all night talking) and I was just having a pity party. But he persisted. Then he talked me into a 9 mile bike ride. That was a good idea. The exercise helped a lot. We talked some while riding and more that night. But mostly it was me being a big baby.
Monday he was off to D.C. He was very concerned with how I was doing emotionally. I was feeling sad, threatened, and perplexed. Just thinking about him and Shasti was painful. I had lost my compersion. I didn't think I was really feeling jealousy, though.
His plan was to write Shasti a letter with his response while he was in airports on his way to D.C. And then, he figured they'd talk later in the day once he got there. She has Monday's off, so it was good timing to do so. He called me that night to tell me how things went. I was so frustrated. They talked for nearly two hours and the first 30 minutes or more was about MTKF and him getting waxed, the next 30 minutes were about her family visiting, and then they finally got to the heart of it. Basically, she just wanted to know if he'd date her if she was pregnant. Nothing more at this time. But, they really didn't delve into things like I had hoped. They skirted things.
They did discuss her issue with knowing how to explain him to her family. She has no issue telilng her friends that her boyfriend is engaged and soon to be married, but it'll be harder to tell her family and she has to decide if she can do it, because if she can't then she can't continue to see him as she's not comfortable telling half truths to them. Her sister lives close by and they are best friends. Her parents are 4 hours away. Her family is very close and she sees her cousins often. They are all very highly educated and successful. Both of her parents are doctors, her sister is a securities trader, the cousin that came to visit over the 4th is a doctor, her husband is a doctor. Oy! And their culture probably plays into this, too. Part of this discussion was would he tell his family about her or not. He said yes he planned to tell them, but he didn't want to tell them before our wedding. He was thinking November or December.
I listened and prompted him to tell me everything but it was hard. I was hurting inside. I needed to know this stuff, but it was painful. And I kept thinking how it was me that pushed us down this path, that I am the one who feels I need this.
In the early Tuesday morning hours a huge storm broke. The early morning storm woke me and my own internal storm broke loose. I sent an email off to Twitch and waited to hear from him.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay with you telling your family a month or two after our WEDDING.
I'm not okay with having you gone half the time.
I'm not okay with being so alone.
I'm not okay with you falling in love so quickly. I had hoped we'd be paced the same.
I'm not okay with our vision of moving to [Mid-sized City] shifting to moving to[Big City].
I'm not okay with you going on vacation without me.
I'm not okay.
I don't really understand why I'm not okay. I was okay with most of this, but something shifted and I can't really identify what exactly changed, but right now, I'm not okay. I'm ready to blow $400 and fly out to D.C. to be with you. How needy and pathetic is that? I just want to cling to you and cry.