Nrgh. You are asking me to show you my panties! LOL.
How have you known when you were compatible or incompatible with someone?
Depends on the rship. These words are NOT the right words, but clonky tools I have to use ok? Please don't ding me if the words are awkward.
I run my rships on the "contract model with option to renew." Some renew automatically. There's no "official check in" to regain consent for another run. Some are more delicate and need that affirmation at established check in points.
Some are relationships I sense are just going to be hard ones. I'm willing to have hard ones, if people will HOLD THEIR OWN BAG. I'm open to the experience of it. But don't be dumping baggage on me. When I've WARNED you.
A feeling right away? A conclusion reached after a long period of trying to work? Intuition? Chemistry? Is it even anything we can quantify or analyze?
A feeling relatively soon, and reconfirmed after a test period.
I know it because I know ME well. I know my own buttons and I know putting myself into certain situations with certain people will get those buttons pushed.
That doesn't automatically nix having relationship, but it does put some limits on them from the get go. So the player I play with better be Jedi Master. I don't want or need peewee league, but I do so love a good chess game. Even if I "lose" the game.
It's the thrill of the journey of loving. If poly people wanted easy loving, they wouldn't be poly. Or at least that is how I feel.
So I lay it on the line -- my rights and responsibilites game plan
of how I roll and expect to be treated. Don't even play in my arena if you cannot hack it. Show me your dance card. I'll tell you if I can hack yours.
You need time to think it, that's fine, I can grant access and a free tour. But there will be a check in point and there will be a reconcile time to see if this kite will fly or not. You choose to play here, it's house rules!
Some potential partners run for the hills. Think I'm scary and intimidating. I will grant I can see so for those not ready to play in this league. I am firm but fair.
Some potential partners glitter in the eyes -- and then I glitter too. They know what it is, what dragons I chase. Those are the best kind of partners. Hoo boy. En guarde -- prepare not to duel, but to DANCE and dance well!
What does the word compatible mean to you, with regard to your relationships?
A willingness to play ball honorably, and a willingness to hold your own freakin' bag during the relationship run. An acceptance that all rships come with a clock attached and it WILL end, and we will decide how to end it like Jedi. Not squabbling Muppet Show shit. An acceptance that we do the spiral dance together because we so CHOOSE, and in doing so we accept the challenge of facing conflicts that might arise as an opportunity to grow more into our better selves.
No life is conflict free. We do it anyway.
Because the pleasure is in partnering to spin double helix Life Thread together for a time for however long a time we have together in our dance. And see what freakin' colors we can spin to flyyyyyy.
Are there different kinds of compatibility and is that why poly can work for some seemingly disparate combinations of people?
Yes. I am a Human person. I have the 4 buckets of : mind, body, heart, soul.
I evolve, I change, my partners become my bucket stirrers and I stir theirs. Ergo pushing-pulling each other toward personal growth for the betterment of self and each other.
For a time, I was NOT ready to go meta bucket deep with DH.
I leaned more heavily on my OSO for those needs. Then the pendulum swung the other way. Even now, when exOSO is not even a part of my mundane life any more, I have compersion frubble bubble from that cord. I send some shooting his way. From the heart, because we simply do not speak any more and I do not want to intrude in his main life.
I don't want to change that. He lives thousands of miles away, and has another Life to Live now. As do I. But I like getting to feel his fingerprints in my head sometimes. And that's the box I like keeping it in for now.
As I tell my kid all the time -- a place and time for everything, and everything in its place in good time.
She thinks I'm only talking about putting away the toys, but I'm not.
How do you handle relationships when incompatibility becomes the obvious problem?
I try to talk to my person, and renegotiate the contract -- perhaps change some agreements or the framework.
If they do not wish to accept the inevitable, I pull the plug and take the hit. From a gesture of Love. This is how I broke up with OSO. His primary was having a fit of jealousy and he was struggling and to make it easier on him, I checked out and friend zoned myself.
He was furious. Bewildered.
Much later he called me to thank me for the classy move. Now that he had to break up with her, he could see the difficulty and thanked me for handling his heart well, gentle, and loved but FIRM.
My other break up people have surprised me. The first and worst I pulled the plug and took a hit and more than a DECADE later he calls me out of the blue to tell me I loved him well, I loved him better, and to thank me. Mind boggling. I never expected anything from that seeming dead end and look. He grew. Cuz I kicked him. Mind boggle. I wished him well and felt satisfied that ok, that one was a weird long time in coming but it came in the end so NO I wasn't crazy to have spun thread there to begin with. That's nice to know. Taught me some things just take a long ass time! That doesn't mean my radar is off.
And do you think incompatibility can be overcome and result in a satisfying relationship anyway?
Sure. Our hot sizzle romance time was what? 2 years? We were excellent ex-OSO friends for what? 4 yrs? He threw a party at his house states away the day of my wedding to DH. Sent me the compersive pix as our wedding present. He also "gave me away" in spirit, standing in for my father who could not.
The man had style, I loved him, and I still do. And I'm ok with him not being in my mundane, normal everyday life any more. He doesn't need to be for me to keep on enjoying him or keep on loving him in a different framework in my head.
That Jedi fenced well.
Everyone should have a "the one that I let get away" person that is so satisfyingly set free. Yummy of another flavor.
But the reason when it came down to the wire, and I had to choose my Destiny? I felt the need. It was time to chose between the two for my next stage of life because I wanted children, and I feel passionately about closing up shop for a time to have them in. The V framework flew fine when we were all even -- but the time had come to shack up with someone so...
Though I was the MFM hinge I chose DH because he is similar to me too but NOT.
ExOSO was similar, but TOO close. When it comes down to the wire? I tend toward the dark. exOSO tended toward the dark. A marriage there would have tempted too much darkness.
DH tends toward the light, and I wanted a balance time for marriage and children. Not tempting tumult. That's just not a nice environment for a child.
Both DH and exOSO are shut down communicators. Which makes me crazy because I'm a yaketty. BUT... DH will send out progress reports, which makes it easier to take. when it is "Hang Time at the Forge" for me with him.
ExOSO was clam down and come back with full intense final draft and THEN negotiate. He's not a "tinkerer, take the pulse" type. Which has its charms. But I can't see me parenting
with a person that way -- it would make me insane, I'd be a brat, and he'd shut down and there we go. Into the recursive loop function of tug-of-change. Too wrapped up in each other to pay attention to any children and that's no good to any. When he'd get this way I stomp off on home and stew alone, but that doesn't work in a cohabiting with kids model of living.
DH shuts down but WILL steam valve and temp check while he's cookin' something, so I can bear Hang Time with him when the jury's out on something. It also wasn't just marriage and children but my own chronic health probs and 10 yrs of seeking a dx. Maddening! To and fro on doctor parade. I was scared and needed more hopeful person at my side, not a struggling to be hopeful/put brave face on it person. I'm already that. I didn't not need that dbl with exOSO at my side.
I needed a partner that could take that stage with those problems coming down the pipeline.
So in the end, it was DH over exOSO for better odds. Not for better Love, both men were loving, lovely, and I loved them fiercely.
Just the styles they came in -- for the 20's-30's run I'm talking about, one clearly had the better skillset for that run.
I believe every age and stage has it's charms -- cada epoca tiene su encanto.
I believed I'm free to write the song of my Life with who I want for each bar played.
There you go. I play hard ball, I play firm, but I play fair.
So far, nobody's complaining their innings with me.