Originally Posted by The10thDoctor
but I donít want to devastate her emotionally to do it. .
You seem to care very deeply about your wife's feelings. That's a very good place to start. The only power you have is to be honest about how you feel about her, how you feel about others, and what you want in your own life. Your wife will process her feelings in her own way. How she does that is not up to you. Trying to steer how she processes her feelings is manipulative, even if it comes from your good intentions.
Tell her when you're ready to. Say what you want to say. Telling her how you feel will change things between the two of you. Both of you will feel the beginning of that change instantly. Neither of you will know where that change will take you, or how long it will take, until you get there. I'm willing to bet, in the long term, she will appreciate and respect you more for being honest with her now, than if you try to steer her feelings now to "make it easier" for her. Its going to be as hard or as easy for her as the way she processes her own feelings makes it. That's not up to you. If you try to soften or steer now, your true feelings will come out in future conversations anyway.
Honesty is always best.