Hello everyone! I am The10thDoctor. Hmm it was more fun than I thought saying that.
Anyway...I wanted to introduce myself and present my dilemma for advice. It will be long and there is a bit to explain. I am hoping there have been people with some similar experiences that can help.
A month or so ago I made a friend who is poly. I had never heard of polyamory before this. Not in this kind of context anyway. They were very patient with me and answered about a million of my questions on the subject. I had heard of Polygamy and of Swingers but they never really piqued my interest. The values are what got to me. The openness, honesty, transparency, non-possessiveness and most of all the freedom. The more I was told and the more I read about it the more I realized that I do most of this already. "Poly in the head" is what my friend called it. It just seems like a very beautiful way to live one’s life. It's something I want to do with my life.
I see a lot of events in my past that would have been made either a non-issue or would have been much easier to deal with if I had known about and fully practiced polyamory. I wouldn’t have felt so ashamed for having feelings about someone else. At the very least that won’t happen again.
I am currently married and in a monogamous relationship. My wife is a wonderful person who I love very much. But, she is not as open minded as I am. If I try to come at this subject with her in a straight line I think she would be deeply hurt. I want to be polyamorous but I don’t want to devastate her emotionally to do it. We have always had good communication and we are about as honest with each other as we can be in a mono relationship.
I have been taking a lot of what I have learned and have been applying what I can to our relationship. I have been encouraging her to tell me what she finds attractive about other men I see her looking at or are in movies and shows we watch. I have been telling her about some experiences my friend has told me about. I am trying to slowly and subtly bring about a poly way of thinking into our lives. My biggest obstacle will be getting her to realize that my or her feelings about other people won’t change how we feel about each other. The jealousy factor I believe it is called. This is what I need advice with. I have no idea how to attack this issue.
I consider myself Poly in theory but not in practice(ha ha). It has already helped my current relationship. It has already saved me from feeling ashamed.
I realize that true polyamory will most likely never be a fact for me. I seriously doubt she will ever really come around to a poly way of thinking. But that’s why I am here. I hope I can get some advice or some suggestions that will help my odds of success.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advice you can give.