Time for an update, and I really do appreciate all of the help so far. This place has been invaluable! You people are amazing.
A and P met up a month ago, they started a physical relationship. Their sexual chemistry wasn't fantastic, but they want to hook up again. She's going out there again tomorrow for a weekend. Next weekend he is coming here (hotel, of course) for a night.
In the intervening month:
- I got a fantastic new job
- Went on Ativan
- Went OFF Ativan
- Lost said job (they decided against opening the position up after all)
- Lost 25 lbs (I was 207, now am 182)... ok, this was more like 6 weeks
- Gained a decent amount of muscle (I really like how I look!)
- Bought my first cell phone in 10 years
- Subsequently took it back and cancelled the contract
- I am currently job hunting.
So... in a word: Chaos.
The odd thing is that somewhere in that maelstrom, I found a strength within me I never knew I had... I'll spare you the long version. It is a sorded tale.
But I've arrived at a place where I'm more ok with the idea of P and A having a physical/emotional relationship. I've backed off for now, to finalize my divorce (as of this second, it's final in 1 week and 3 minutes). Me and A are not having sex, we're sleeping apart but we still kiss, flirt and push some limits but that caused her guilt.
I saw an opportunity here. She's always had trust issues with me, since she and I started as an affair. I promised her that I would NOT have sex, oral, manual, etc... with her, until after my divorce was final AND not before A and P had an understanding in place. With the statute of limitations of X date (about 3 weeks from now).
Then I asked her (a 106 lb hottie whom I've never been able to resist) to TRY to convince me to have sex with her. Timidly, she started making passes and got bolder. I'll admit, we came about as phyisically close to it as possible, but I held true to my oath. She even admitted later that if we had started, she would have been ok with it.
I realized that my figuring was twofold. If she and I did break down and have sex, it would cause ruin to her exclusive relationship with P. (theyre exclusive for the time being, he knows it's temporary) It would also ruin her trust of me, and... this is an important part: I thought of those things in that order.
I realized that it was more important for me to protect her relationship with P, than it was to keep my word.
Because I love her and I don't want to see her hurt.
As a result, she's seeing things a little better now. We went skydiving for the first time, too.... and she parted company with a lot of negativity from our past. That, paired with her newfound trust (although not COMPLETE trust) in me, she's starting to realize that we do indeed have a stonger connection/relationship now than ever.
In conclusion, I've taken advice from here... dragged my fears into the light and looked at them:
That she truly IS poly. I really don't think she is because she never engaged in activity like this before me.
She is poly, of that I'm sure. Her feelings for P are strong and one day they will tell each other that they do indeed love one another. I'm not afraid of that. If this thing with P does end, she's certain that I am enough for her. The only reason this started in the first place is because my divorce was keeping her distant from me. Maybe it's an excuse, but I don't think so. A and P started as innocently as possible and for that I'm grateful to both of them.
That she will leave me for P.
Still a real fear but you're right. It doesn't compute. She wants to have us both. The only way this happens is if I give her an ultimatum.
That she will ask me for an open relationship so she can explore this with P, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
This has come to pass, and while it continues to be hard, I am beyond coping. I am accepting.
That if those fears come to pass, how to tell my kids that they're losing a sibling. that will crush them, and the things that can crush them absolutely devastate my soul.
As before, she and I only end if I give her an ultimatum. So the power for this to end rests solely in my hands.
Also that I know beyond any doubt, that I will never be able to love anyone else in my life. I know that seems extreme and emotionally driven and very much so NOT rational.
Still true. Sorry ladies, I'm mono and I like it. I just happen to be head over heels in love with my soulmate, who seems to be a one-time poly.
The greatest part about A and me is that we can talk and are completely open and honest. If I ask something, no matter how personal, she will respond. (sometimes with a caveat: Make sure you want to hear the answer before you ask) but the option to know is always there. She can do the same with me, and we often do.
At times it's a bit emotionally draining, so we've become accustomed to backing off and having alone time when one of us needs it. (whether we like it or not) We don't go to bed mad/upset. And we're working through the trust issues... not quite there yet, but definitely on the right track.
This has come upon me a lot faster than it did for A and P. They both admit that this has been hardest on me. That might change.
Before school starts up again, we've discussed returning she and I to primary and reinventing OUR relationship post-divorce. P mentioned that he would prefer exclusive but he's open to poly but honestly, I don't know if P can handle LRD and being secondary. There's some undeniably incompatible territory that we're going to encounter when NRE wears off.
wants kids, she can't really
give him that. She could have the surgury undone, but with a 9 yr old (and a promise to said 9yr old never to have more kids), and her stage in life right now? Her desire to travel...
Those things, the distance... and me being accepting of this situation. I don't really see P as having much chance. I actually feel a little bad for him.
And that makes me feel sad for A because her heart is going to suffer another blow when he does bow out. I just don't want anyone to be hurting any more, including myself.
And yes, that WAS the short version!