Your story has a LOT of red flags to me.
I suggest you take a highlighter to the list at speak out loud
and ID any other stupidshitthings you are all too familiar with.
Do NOT sugarcoat your reality to YOURSELF. Own it. Assess it well.
You have many dealbreakers there that had it happened to me, I'd be out the door and never look back.
But this is your life, you have to decide how to Life it, what you can put up with AND what you WANT. Life is not about "putting up with" all the time.
It is actively seeking the things you love and feed you. Then compromise to the happy medium with partner(s). You aren't getting much compromise here or air time -- he lives his life and expects you to just.... lump it.
And you are starving here. Is this what you signed up for? I don't think so or you would not be on here reaching out.
FIRST You have to decide just on the YOU Level...is it even worth all the bother any more or am I just DONE?
What do I hunger for? Am I at the right feeding station? So my mind, heart, body and soul buckets are being supported and nourished well?
THEN IF you are DONE? Check out!
ELSE IF you decide you are not done here...
He has to make big changes in himself, how he communicates and treats YOU first. Apologize.
THEN you have to decide if you can forgive or not.
IF you cannot forgive? Check out. Nobody needs to live with grudge/revenge hell. Not even you -- that shit can eat you up inside. ELSE IF you can forgive and move this rship forward?
THEN His chess move? Make serious ammends. In spades! Rebuild trust that has been so broken. Decide a trial run space of time to see the new leaf turn over. 6 mos? A year? Taking classes to shore up weak skills? What hoops does he have to jump in Hang Time to revalidate himself to you and your Trust? What do YOU pony up to validate to him and his Trust that after all THAT you won't be a shrew and hold his mistakes like ammo daggers to his heart?
IF he cannot own it, stop the nonsense, step up to the Trust Rebuild plate? You have to get OUT of this rship. Plain and simple. He's not a serious fucking player. You do not need more of that. You need a serious fucking player not pee wee league.
AND IF you cannot own it, and let it GO without going all shrew, best to end it. Forgive and forget and make ammends or forgive but NOT forget. You have to pick. Could even pick not to forgive at all. That burden is on you. ELSE IF he can change leagues, and do his Hang Time at the Forge and recast himself a new as a better, stronger partner to you?
THEN you both can think about making big changes in your polyship[ of 2 to bring in others by learning.
IF SO, you need to work on your "Just ME" layer of yourself so you can open up well.
AND IF SO hee needs to do same in himself so he can open up well.
IF you guys ACTUALLY do all that well, then perhaps a decent polyship will emerge. With it's own set of other kinds of problems, but not THIS stupidshitthing any more! Hooray.
ELSE IF you guys end up out of the frying pan into the fire, possible triggering old wounds if they did not heal well. Polymath just amps and magnifies all the cracks. So if the players don't have the stamina, don't even begin the game. This one is a hard one to play. Be done before you begin and save yourselves the time/heartache of growth that will never come.
I am VERY tired tonight, so I cannot put all the coder style indents like if I were writing actual "if, then,else" code. So you format it for yourself if it helps your visual. "Sorting spaghetti emotional code" -- helps me to assess a potential journey of mine to myself. It's the assessment of the risk and if the journey is one I actually
want to travel or not.
Right now? He's not on the level with this at ALL and you are taking poor treatment of you. He's not thinking at all or thinking with his dick. I just do not see how you both can poly ethically and on the level with all players without a lot of trust rebuild on MANY tiers of your closed polyship of 2 that you have right now.
I apologize for it sounding so awful and coarse but I'm at the "Ugh. Have to just SPIT IT OUT so it can move forward" place.
I hope you are at that place in your inner conversations with yourself. I hope whatever the destiny of this particular relationship, YOUR relationship with yourself and YOUR destiny takes you to where you need to be so you can be at your best and happiest. That is my wish for YOU.
I know I'm just repeating what I wrote you in your other thread. But it is a Truth and I am trying to Speak it to you even if it is Hard to Hear.
Sigh. Hang in there.