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Old 07-27-2012, 12:14 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 26
Default Day 11

Spoken like a true experimentalist, Dingedheart, you made my day! I do love a good, challenging question…I had some hulabaloo to talk about today but I think your question is so much better for a topic, so I’ve decided to address it instead. What does success look like? Failure? Do Pied Piper and I have a shared mental model? Have we operationalized these points? In a manner of speaking, I think we have. (whew! – we passed something!) As I considered your questions today, I decided there were really 3 points of view wrapped into your general overarching questions. Specifically, there’s the “how does this experiment affect Colada? Can she be ousted despite no fault of her own? Does she benefit/lose out based on the outcome of this experiment? Etc.” Then there are the questions that relate more to Piper and I, “How do you two define success? Do you two have a shared mental model? How does this look/not look long term? Or if it doesn’t “work”?” And finally, there are the questions that pertain to me alone, “What do you want? What will that look like? How will you decide if you’ve succeeded or failed? How will you determine what the future looks like in theory? Day-today? Etc.”

So, first, Colada. With regard to her directly, I don’t know exactly what Piper has told her but obviously, she is aware of some things. For example, she knows that he and I are using condoms now, she is aware that he is spending more of his free time with her than me, she knows I’ve moved downstairs, and she knows that he is pursuing a relationship with her directly – and that he wants to at least consider the two of them dating me together. Having said all that, I doubt he has said that living downstairs and the other accommodations are an ‘experiment’ of sorts. Maybe he has but I don’t think so. I suspect, instead, he has told her that I’m trying to figure out my part in this poly relationship and that I’m not quite sure how to handle it. In total truth, though it hasn’t been much discussed here, the majority of the changes have come about in order to accommodate her needs, not mine per se. For example, she has basically had panic attacks with regard to her relationship with him. Now, it would be easy to say that it’s because of me but based on various bits of information, I don’t actually think it is only the ‘weird’ part of the relationship that is freaking her out. She hasn’t ever been in a serious relationship and is old enough that it should have happened a good 5+ years ago (and that’s assuming a super, duper late bloomer). So many of the changes have occurred in an effort to help her calm down, give her more time, and allow her to have more control. So….

for Colada, I believe success would look like:
1. Her feeling calm and secure and
2. Her feeling comfortable meeting me and interacting with me in a low-key manner and frequently (a few days/week)

If she can’t achieve both of these over the next several months, I believe Piper will end the relationship with her – though it will not be because this experiment didn’t work. It will instead be because their relationship won’t be going in the direction he wants. I believe he is willing to bend in many areas but he has one deal breaker – he wants the three of us to interact as a family of sorts – how that looks exactly is up for debate but whether or not it exists, is not. So my experiment or not, he has expectations for her and their relationship – which I’m told she is well aware of.

Next, Piper and I. I believe success for us is also not tied to my experiment. I don’t think Piper really minds how it shakes out per se. I believe he’d prefer that I take a primary role in the triad but really, he just wants us to all get along. So if I am happier and our relationship is less stressful with me in a secondary role, he will accommodate that without issue. So

for Piper and me, success will look like:
1.Two smiling people who:
2. Spend more time happy together than sad, hurt, or misunderstood, who also:
3. Communicate better (more clearly and less emotionally – both of us) and who can:
4. Raise all the kiddies in harmony

Since what we were doing wasn’t working, I think if my ‘experiment’ isn’t successful in full then, we would assess which areas improved, which didn’t, and discuss some ways to address the remaining issues (e.g., maybe a full secondary role isn’t a good idea – maybe a combination of sorts? Maybe we could divide primary roles up according to each person’s strengths or something?). If we’re not doing better in any of the areas above…then we need to be having other discussions :/

Now for me –Maybe, I just need a time-out from life – that would certainly be reasonable given the last year. Or maybe, Piper and I just need a little breather so we can each regroup and then reconnect. Or maybe, since I lost my personal office/retreat when Pea came home, I just need a permanent escape pod that I can use – but only as needed, not all the time, every day. Or maybe, I need separation. At this point, I just don’t know – hence the experiment. But so really, success for me will be characterized by:

1. Feeling emotionally settled and able to handle day-to-day misunderstandings in a less sensitive manner
2. Feeling confident and strong at home
3. Feeling less resentment toward Piper for the messes he’s made over the past several years and for asking me to deal with his poly needs
4. Feeling like I can identify positive aspects of having an additional person in our family and feeling happy, or at least accepting, of her presence

Failure would be characterized by:
1. Feeling left-out
2. Feeling needy
3. Feeling replaced
4. Finding that my emotional and sexual needs are not met
5. Finding that I still have the majority of the household chores and little or no free time to myself
6. Feeling sad or depressed, caged, or repressed

Rule #10: If you want me to try something new, give me the emotional freedom to react in any way I feel (at least the first time) because if not, I may shy away from new experiences that we might like – also, check in with me often to see how I feel about these changes/activities because I might be afraid to share without an explicit request

Task #10: Compare being on vacation without Piper to what it was like when he was here (he left today for work reasons and will be spending the rest of the week with Colada –in our house – entertaining her friends – no, I’m not totally comfortable with the entertaining to the level it has grown – it feels violating…but no one asked me how I was feeling) (but that’s a whole other discussion…for another day)
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Mono wife to husband (Pied Piper) and his GF (Colada)
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