I agree that her behaviour hasn't been respectful of me. I think I would be a lot more unhappy if we weren't together though. She is important to me and I have always felt protective of her. From the beginning of our relationship, I have played the role of 'rescuer' and 'fixer of problems'. I think the fact that I'm FTM made me, in her eyes, a 'safe' man to be with. That's all kinds of messed up but there you go. I want to stay and I want to take care of her. I'm just very lonely and feel like I'm shouldering this responsibility without anyone to turn to for love and support. I think I'm probably looking to S for some love and a bit of comfort and respite from the storm.
I spent a long time composing an email that explained exactly how I felt about L and him and our baby and what I wanted. I told him how ambivalent I felt about impending parenthood and how I still felt that the child was really his son/daughter more than mine. Amongst other things, I told him that I would like us to be good friends/family in the future and that I would like it even more if he wanted to explore whether there might be potential for a romantic relationship between us. I really spelt out everything that I've been bottling up. I felt very vulnerable and exposed but I wanted to be completely honest.
I sent it in the early hours of Friday morning. By Sunday, I'd had no reply so sent a facebook message saying basically 'Hey, I'm a bit worried that you haven't acknowledged my email. Does your silence mean you don't want to talk about it?' to which he replied immediately and said that he'd been quite busy but that he wanted to take his time and send a considered reply.
It's now been nearly a week without a reply. I feel like I'm holding my breath, waiting for him to cast judgement. He doesn't have a lot of demands on his time at the moment and has found time to chat to other friends. I feel hurt that he hasn't taken 10 minutes to compose a response. Am I being needy by expecting a reply already? If someone had opened their heart to me like that, even if it was someone I didn't care for at all or even disliked, I can't imagine leaving them hanging like that. I feel hurt.