Thread: Struggling
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Old 07-26-2012, 07:25 PM
RagingBibliophile RagingBibliophile is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 16
Post Struggling

Well, as I mentioned in my introduction, I'm here for answers and help. My husband recently admitted to me, after a lot of bull****, that he thought that he was polyamorous, and had been looking on sites for help. I entered research mode and went on here, seeing as how it was one of the first sites to pop up on google. My DH is also on here, but I will not name him, as I want this to be objective. You'll probably be able to make the connection, but it's a bit easier this way for me.

I suppose I should give a little back story as to the nature of our relationship before I delve into the happenings of the past year - from my perspective. It's all a bit intimate from the get-go, but I might as well put it all on the table.

I come from a loving home, but a troubled one. I met DH through my cousin a couple counties over at age 15 or 16 (It all blurs together) and we were friends for a while as he was in love with someone else at the time and I was dating someone too. We eventually met up, and clicked right away. I was very attracted to him, and it was very easy to fall in love with him. However, in the background, he was still somewhat in love with his ex, L, and when she came up, he proposed an experimental get together. I was a little uncomfortable, but intrigued. At first things went fine, but then her and I kissed, and I just was not attracted to her. Then her and DH started being intimate with me being left out on the sidelines. It kind of hurt me, as I had thought we would all be equals. She was also uncomfortable with this and her and I had a powwow and called it off. We are still good friends.

So he said that it was just him and I, and I was fine. We fooled around a little bit with close girlfriend of mine once or twice, but her and I were not intimate and it was very tame, just teenager stuff. He and I were exclusive, and in love. I got pregnant at 17 going on 18, and he said that he wanted the baby and I to have his name. I was a bit leery of this, since I know the consequences of marrying young (my mother), and on my mother's advice, asked if he would mind waiting a year or two, just to make sure. He said that no, he wanted this, and if I didn't, that he would not speak to me and that we would have to deal with custody issues.

So I married him. We lived with his family, he would go to work, and things were fine. He joined the marines, and came back two and a half months later; discharged for a broken knee and some other stuff. I then got pregnant with our second, despite my BC. He was happy, and I was too, despite our misgivings. We went through a lot after the birth of our second son. Homelessness, work, family, his father's illness, etc.

At one point, we actually had a trial separation, in which I discovered that I was, sigh, yes, once again pregnant. I was staying with my mother and stepfather and it was a tight fit. He moved down a state to be with his father, who was dying, and to find work. We reconciled and after I had the baby, I moved down to be with him. We had a problem with money for a while (this was on both of us. We were both depressed and missing our friends, and were still basically kids.) and we moved in with his family. His father passed away in 2009, and it was very hard on DH. After his dad passed away, we set up a house right next door to his mother and brother. (Bad idea, they rub each other the wrong way).

He had been going to college since we moved in with his family, and he would go out to work with his partner, K. This continued when we were in our own place. He took the summer off so I could work one time, and then continued afterwards. This is basically catching up to where the real trouble started.

Last year, starting around February 2011. He would go out, saying he would be back in a few hours. He wouldn't be back till the next day. We had no means of communication (too poor to afford phones) except for my free internet phone, which could only dial out. He would say he was going to stay at a friend's for the night, and then stay gone for the entire weekend, without notifying me. Around July, I started getting suspicious, but I couldn't find anything, as he would keep his laptop and anything like that separate from me. In July, we had a big fight, he left, and when I asked him to come back, he said he was coming back right away. That was around 3 am. I woke up around 6 am to him still not back. I was so angry and hurt and it had been accumulating over the months. I took a chair and stuck it under the handle of the side door, and taped a "F*** you" note to the door. I just wanted him to see it, and know how hurt I was, and sit it out and talk to me and apologize. (There's also a front door, which he has keys to, and also, I was 23 at the time. I'm still learning how to deal with this stuff.)

This was kind of the straw that broke, well, everything. We had another enormous fight, and then things settled down. We went on vacation, and everything seemed fine. He was wonderful. We get back, and he's distant. This continues. Fast forward to Thanksgiving. I find some things on his laptop, a story about him making love to this other woman, and some journal entries about how resentful of me he is. I confront him, and he denies everything, saying it was just a story. Fast forward to Christmas. He has a phone now, that I pay for with my son's SSI (my eldest is autistic), and this woman has been texting him, saying how she misses him, etc. He says she's crazy and has the wrong idea, and that I'm the only woman for him, and how much he loves me. January, I talk to her, and find out that they were having an affair. They deny having intercourse, and I believe it. I tell him to choose, and he says he chooses me. I tell the Other woman to please stay away.

Going forward again to this April. I get a funny feeling in my stomach and look up his phone history. He's still talking all the time to her. We have it out and he says that he loves both of us equally and that if we took the time to find out, we'd find out we had lots in common. We keep having it out and he says he can't choose and I ask to use his phone, and we have a short scuffle, and he calls the police. They make him leave for the night, and he stays gone for two days. He texts a friend that he's going to kill himself, and I end up, after a sleepless night, dragging my kids out of bed at 7 am, and even going as far as to call the Other woman to see if she'd heard from him. No answer there. I drive and drive, and find nothing. He finally calls me hours later, and I was so worried. He still says he doesn't know what to do. Finally, he comes back, saying he's chosen me. And that was that until July 7th. That night, he told me that him and her had in fact been intimate and she had become pregnant and had aborted. I had talked to her a couple times before, and she too had lied to me.

It has been hard for me to come to grips with this. And he then told me this week, that he is bi (which I had figured out), but that he wanted a poly-amorous relationship. That he loved me, but he wanted to love other people, and I was being selfish asking that he love me the most. And it wasn't that I even said that, I just wanted him to have some feelings if I went out and were intimate with guys. He says that if it made me happy, he would be fine with it, and that wanting him to be jealous, or possessive is very ill-intentioned of me. I just want to know that I matter, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. That I'm not replaceable.

I'm still coming to terms with all the feelings I feel. And I told him, that the Other Woman will always be a sore point, because of how they lied to me. Of how they tried to play me. And while he is more at fault then her, they did not attempt to come to see me in the beginning, and she says "Well, I wanted to contact you , but he said that it wasn't the right time."

When I asked DH about it, he said he was scared and not thinking right, and wanted to keep up both. This will not happen. As I told him before, I am not against future rendezvous with someone else, just that he tell me before it happens, and we make decisions as a couple. He goes on to say that he believes in marriage, but doesn't think of it like a partnership, or an ownership. I try to explain that it means that we answer to each other, and are responsible for one another. That we do indeed share a piece of each other. And he keeps saying "Possessive love is hate. You just are attached and want to possess me, and keep me from other people."

To me, being poly-amorous is being treated equally, and if you are married, you sit down with your partner first, and discuss it, and decide if it can be done. Especially with children in the mix. He does not seem to see it this way. He sees it as being free. As being free to choose who to share his love with.

We've so far agreed to share if we are attracted to other people and discuss it and decide what to do about it. And that I have the right to make a decision as it is my life too.

I'm just so very hurt. It seems like my whole marriage has been a lie. He says that his father made him marry me, even when I gave him an out, that I would be the bad guy. And I still love him beyond what is probably reasonable for the situation, and he claims he still loves me and wants to be with me. What more can I do? He tries to play this holier-than-thou, enlightened attitude, while I stand there crying, asking him just to care a smidge about sharing me, or to be afraid of losing me. I just am very tired.

I'm sorry my story is so long, but it's been a long time in coming. Comments, advice, and suggestions are more than welcome. Do you think that I'm being too possessive or unreasonable? Do you think that he's being selfish? I am so conflicted. Thank you for reading.

Last edited by RagingBibliophile; 07-26-2012 at 07:37 PM.
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