Its been awhile
This past year has been a long stressful one. I think the last time I really posted was a year ago..when the hubs lied and well after that it all went downhill. TO kinda recap.. Hubs started a yo yo effect where he was ok then not, then ok, then not. Working long days and taking the stress out on me and the kids. And then he decided he would do something he said he wouldnt, then when caught he lied to my face. Trust was shattered. It got worse. Hubs decided rather than talk, he would just remain silent. After a couple months of trying to get him to talk to me and explain.. I gave up. Fast forward 8 months. It was our 13 year wedding anniversary and I was miserable and thinking it was time for me to finally throw in the towel. He decided that he was going to take me out for our anniversary..after not speaking to me for 8 months. And I was having no part of it. To me I was just like...there was no way I was going to dinner with a guy who has had nothing to do with me or his kids for 8 months. Hasnt said Hi Bye kiss my arse nothing... Well I canceled all his plans, let him know I was done with him and the bull. I think thats when he realized how long it had been, and that I had no energy left. And when he decided he would do anything it takes to fix things. The day after our anniversary(when he WANTED to go out) my youngest ended up in the ER(this is a pattern lol he does something every year at that time) And that ended up with a week of doc visits somedays 2 a day. And then surgery a month after. So all my energy was put towards him. S and I just skirted around the issues still and I was not really certain he wanted things to work, and FINALLY after 2 months after my breakdown on the anniversary, he talked. Very slow going. He wants to take back this past year of hell, and he cant. Hes been making a lot of changes. Including a job change. He even suggested me finding a bf again. And right now I cant. Hubs said some extremely hurtful things. And whether he meant them or not.. It hurt. He made me feel like I was pretty much a slut. And some of the things said..revolved around that. Even though we began this journey at his suggestion and pushing. Right now I cant even look at myself.. My self esteem has never been great. And over 3 years ago when we started talking and opening up more than we ever had.. I started feeling better about myself. I didnt feel like something was wrong with me. S threw some of the things I opened up about in my face and made me feel once again something was wrong with me. Until I can be ok with me and the fact I do still love 2 people... And that thats really ok..I dont know..Guess I will find out when I get there again. If I ever get there again. Trust is slowly coming. But its going to be journey. And I cant say whether the turnout will be good or bad. S says he understands and hopes one day I will trust him again, and that theres nothing wrong with me. I havent had time to really focus on me though. I spent 8 months in silence. Just doing what I had to do. Taking care of the kids. and the mundane details of a day. The rest of the time I spent in bed. Now we are bringing the kids back to homeschooling, S changed jobs, stress level decreased a ton. S is happier. Im.. well Im still here. Still in limbo. I still come online and read others posts. I read and read and read. Hoping that I will see Im ok the way I feel and am. In the past year I lost so much Im afraid to try to get any back. It hurt enough to lose it the first time.
Anyways I will leave it at that for now. I appreciate reading others posts. It makes me feel better seeing others whether they are happy or sad, confused...because even I feel that way and it makes me not feel so alone. And that maybe since im not the only one who loves more than 1.. Maybe I am ok
She is C He is S