Welcome. Sorry it is not under better circumstances.
I find it best to just be firm but fair. I feel your sorrow but you need to back up through your polymath tiers
to the first one of "your relationship to YOU as part of a couple" tier to answer...
Are you still willing to BE in this couple? Was a hard limit broken? Was it a soft limit?
retravel down the tiers and check the links for breaks in the chain if you decide it is negotiable or not.
Every polyship, even a universe of 2, has polymath.
Yours? It breaks out to
Here's my gamebook.
- 1)You to you (as part of a couple and not a footloose single. You took a ding from left field. Ow! Hang in there.)
- 2) You --> him (you seem open to trying to understand all this. Despite your pain. Kudos to your willing to not shut YOU down.)
- 3)Him --> himself (as part of a couple. He dropped MAJOR balls in this tier)
- 4) Him --> you (How well he owned up? Or it was discovered hemming hawing? I don't know how he is playing on this tier. This could influence how you feel about apple knowledge.)
- 5) you + him = as a duo. The team working well as a team. (By dropping balls in that other tier, this one took some dings)
- 6) You - Him = how/when the relationships ends. How you want it to be. Because all relationships end. You may have thought you signed up for "death do us part." That's an ideal, noble, certainly. I have it too. But I've also covered divorce with my DH and how we want to part if that happens. How to be in a way that leaves us friends at the end of the transition phase. Because I'd like to be friends. I do NOT want stupidshitthings. I can bear pain of parting but I cannot stand stupidshitthings.
I keep it short. Life being life, I expect conflict. That's another page for HOW I deal with it, but my mission states "3 times you are out" if it's the same
dang crap all the time with no effort in repairs. I sign up to support you in your own personal growth sure. But make an effort TO grow!
What sort of framework in your marriage rship do you
have in place to deal with breech of contract? Calling into account? Making ammends?
- Because that trust repair work has to happen first. But only AFTER *I* decide I'm still willing to play ball here. I might not be. (In my world lying is a one strike game over, even lies of omission. I'd have to have evidence of extenuating circumstances and right reasons to consider giving it a pass.)
- Then perhaps we can talk about renegotiating the rship contract to incorporate poly needs after examination in subcommittee
- Are they really needs? Or just his cop out to his philandering ways?
- Was he actually philandering? Or intent/heart was pure but his communication skills are emotionally weenie?
- Is he closet poly just struggling to drive this car ethically? Has he apologized? Made ammends?
- Is he closet hard swinging? Does he want to do THAT ethically or not? Has he apologize? Made ammends?
- what's the weak link in there?
- and are you willing to take all that on board or is it a hard limit for you? Are his limits fair? Because if you open up, you both open up right? What is good for the goose is good for the gander. You might not CHOOSE to actually exercise that right to see others. BUT EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL!
- Identify the weak and strong points that need work. Then work it.
- BEFORE moving on to actually dating in poly ways. (If it is really poly.) If it is swing, seek swing boards for support/guidance. That's a different arena of ethical non-monogamy.
I would be seriously leery of working with the affair partner. Were they lied to? Or were they enabling? Or did they not give a damn about handling my buckets with minimal sloshing?
That part may go out to subcommittee if he wants to continue rship with dishonest beginnings.
Before any of that gets rolling it's still at the #1.
YOU. So we come fill circle:
Do you even want to go there? To continue to be in relationship with him? And if so, what will "being in RIGHT relationship with me" take now?
Those answers are within you. Not without. I cannot begin to answer that for you. I can only share how I deal with things like this. And so far I have not had that exeperience of a cheating partner. Lying yes, but not lie & cheat.
I gave it one snooze tag, and lies continued so I broke up. I felt terrible for a time and then I felt much much better and FREE of lies stupidshitthings. Yay!