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Old 07-26-2012, 05:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,932

Hmmm. Here's another perspective . . .

I have never understood the need for daily contact that some people feel is necessary for relationships. Perhaps your bf is like me and it just isn't natural to him to be in touch every single day. That would be a total drag to me, as I don't like obligations placed on me just to reassure someone. I'm not the type of person who needs contact every day with people I'm involved with. Even in my marriage, my husband and I only called each other at work if it was necessary for planning something or dealing with something specific, whereas both of us knew married people who called each other every day or even several times a day just to say hello and whatnot -- I would scratch my head and wonder, "Didn't they see each other this morning? Aren't they going to see each other at home later?" Why such a need to check in? I just plain don't get it. I hear my next-door neighbor on the phone with her mother several times a day and I cannot understand why, since my mother and I only spoke once every week or two.

In romantic relationships, I do not assume that someone I care about, whom I know cares about me, isn't thinking of me simply because I haven't heard from him. People do have busy lives and shit to deal with. There are folks I think of many times a day, yet I am not in touch with them for weeks at a time, and then we just pick up where we left off. People who know me know that's just the way I am and don't get bent out of shape about it. Keep in mind that when you feel hurt over his lack of contact, it is you who are feeling hurt (a case where we produce feelings with our own thoughts), but he is not hurting you. This sounds to me like your expectations preying on you.

I don't currently have primary/secondary designations in my relationships, but even if a guy was my main squeeze (primary), I would not expect nor want daily contact. It just seems somehow like something excessive, oppressive, claustrophobic, and definitely overkill to me. That is not a criticism of anyone who wants daily contact, it is just how I feel if I were asked and expected to constantly be in touch. I like my alone time and have lots of introvert tendencies, though I am not sure I am totally an introvert. But for someone like me, to call someone every day just to say something like, "Hi, how are you today? Good? Yeah, me too... um... so, okay, talk to you tomorrow, have a good day," seems superfluous and dull to me. I'd rather wait til I have something substantial to share, or plans to solidify, so that the conversation is worth my time and energy.

Please note, all that I've said above pertains to regular communication. This doesn't mean I accept anyone's lack of following through on their word. The thing is, we lay our expectations and preferences out up front, so we know where we stand. Whenever I date someone new and we exchange contact info, I tell them, "Don't think that you have to answer my texts right away. I know that sometimes it's just not convenient to do that, so get back to me when you can." If it does take a few days and I need to get in touch, I text again or call, but it isn't worth it to me to get upset unless I found out that there was something I should've been made aware of.

Since you are obviously someone who really needs that day-to-day contact to feel secure in a relationship, and your bf may be more like me and does not need daily contact, this could just be a clash of communication styles or love languages. It may simply never have occurred to him that you would feel frustrated, abandoned, or forgotten over something like that. And he probably would never think it's a problem for you unless you tell him.

And although it is important to let him know this is a need of yours, I also believe you would also benefit from thinking of any compromises you can also accept, because he may not enjoy or be able to keep up with day-to-day reporting in. But I would also recommend you look at those insecurities that come up for you and try to unravel them, so that you and your sense of value in his life aren't at the mercy of circumstances beyond your control.

Hopefully, my perspective and how it works for me will give you some insight.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 06:57 AM.
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