Her response was "is that an ultimatum?". Then she proceeded to explain that my behaving jealous and hurt was making her unhappy and she could not deal with them. That she has been desperately lonely since before we were married and that was why she was bending and breaking the rules with Picard.
And so she did a lie of omission in my world. She did not own her responsibility
to report her want, needs, and limits back THEN so you could act with full information THEN. She shirked you clear communication.
Allowed her own past emotional health to get tripped up and she chose to avoid it. (Dropped her responsibility stick there. )
And NOW she's not guarding your present emotional health (she's dropping another responsibility stick) despite you clearly articulating your need to slow it down to absorbable speed and throwing out soft limit suggestions to get the negotiation going. I hear you say a hard limit that you NEED time. Period. You are willing to soft limit it on AMOUNT of time. But time must be had.
And you are having mental health depression dx -- so you have mind bucket probs and she's not guarding that either.
We are responsible for our OWN and our PARTNER'S well being. (I believe we all have 4 well being buckets -- mind heart body soul)
If she were bucket skills smart, she'd own she's got challenges owning her emotional bucket, bless you for your patience, beg your forgiveness and fall over backward to make ammends by going with YOUR upper soft limit need if it is reasonable. (So far your suggestions seem reasonable to me! More than fair! You aren't asking for a decade!)
She doesn't like yucky feelings tho and wants to go on ahead anyway to avoid THAT processing time/effort. The very effort that in my book would show me growth is happening, even if growing pains hurt, and would have me considering giving her a pass if she were with me.
Our partners push us to better ourselves, to be our BEST selves. But we cannot do that for people who don't want to play ball for REALS. And they cannot in turn push me toward my best self so I rather not play with them.
So calls YOU jealous. Beware -- She may be trying to get you riled up with "ultimatum" crap. Trolling you on anger. So if you get angry? She can leave feeling good that you are being a *($%)# and "deserve" her treating you poorly. Rather than leave to play picard feeling bad because SHE played badly and is treating you poorly and you do not deserve that. (Don't feed the troll. She's got to own this and stop passing the emotional buck.)
In my book, she was a poor player in the past, and now she's trying to pass the emotional buck on to you. You are free to choose, but are not free of the consequences of your choice. She's a fleer. Does not play ball well.
In my world? For me? That could be a game over. Zip. Zilch. My #1 is DO NOT LIE to me. I play tough, but I play fair. Everyone knows how to play in my ball park. I'd would not consider a forgiveness pass and rship reboot because my game manual is dead clear.
I would reorder that sentence thus:
She did not want to feel bad in the past and own and report she had been desperately lonely since before you were married so she shoved it under the rug. Fast forward and she trips on it in the present day.
Instead of owning the old mess which is now stinkier with mildew, she was bending and breaking the rules with Picard to run away from cleaning it up.
Instead of owning that she's hurting you with this action, she tries to sweep it under the rug by saying YOU are being unfair -- that' her running her inner movie on you. She's being avoidy again. Yay. Two lumps in the rug.
The ultimatum crap -- that's trying to get you riled up to spill your own bag on the rug. Because then when you clean yours up you can get hers too. Yay. She's off the hook. You get her extra baggage. Fun for her. Not so fun you.
But you are you and not me. You have to weigh the balance and determine the return on your emotional investment here.
But I'd be watching VERY closely now to see how she plays. I don't like unserious players. Thppppt. Mistakes I can forgive and forget -- we're all human -- if serious effort toward personal growth and change is being made. But peewee league? NO thanks! It's my heart that's the ball, dude.
So you have opportunity now to see if she'll learn to finally own her own bags or continue to shooshing it on you or under the rug.
And whether or not you want to allow the shooshing.
THAT choice is yours to own. So consider your consequences. I kinda feel sorry for Picard. She wants to rush over there, rather than do it honorably. Maybe she doesn't consider him worth waiting for. More like the next distraction cookie to avoid cleaning rug?
Anyway, you admit you have bag stuff to grow/work on. Who doesn't?
But don't let that be a reason to let her stuff her bag shit in your bag. Everyone owns their own shit bag. Stop flinging baggage! Waste we do not need any more we flush and discard. Not fling it about to smear it on our partners.