Thank you for your reply Ciel, and I have come 100% clean to my husband back in Jan. Actualy, we are at a very good place, and have been since I told him. Mostly because he knew there was "something" there throughout our entire marriage, he just didn't know what it was, and now he does.
D and I have been together for almost 30yrs, so we know each other pretty well I wouild say, thats why I knew it would be ok when I told him about J. Yes it did hurt him, or as he put it " the affair I can deal with, it's knowing you love him that hurts". I hated doing that to D, but I have had a LONG history with depression, and I know NOT being true to myself was one of the main proublems, hiding and lying for years fineally wore me out, and it wasn't fair to D either.
My proublem is how do I come clean about wanting to open my marriage to either one of them? The way I feel right now is, if J would talk to me, and he doesn't want any part of something like that, I could move on. But if I talk to D first, then find out J wants no part of that, I have caused more hurt for D. He loves me very much, and despite his beliefs, he might say ok for me, even if it kills him inside. He knows my love for him will NEVER go away. EVER. He just wants me to be happy. Don't know how to tell him I think this could be the answere.