Thread: Hi
View Single Post
Old 07-25-2012, 09:57 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Originally Posted by JJ87 View Post
I couldn't agree with you more, that's why I said that MM isn't available to live this kind of lifestyle.
But you are having a sexual relationship with him? So he IS available to still cheat on his wife with you and you are helping him do it.

I'm not really sure what you mean by "this lifestyle" - poly? Sex-only?

Originally Posted by JJ87 View Post
We were very leery of even meeting with him, knowing that he is essentially cheating on his wife.
He's not "essentially" cheating on his wife, he is ABSOLUTELY cheating on his wife.

Do you know her at all? Do you know that any of the things he says about his relationship with her are true? I have known a lot of guys who have blatantly lied about the nature of their relationships with their wives in order to be able to cheat on them.

Originally Posted by JJ87 View Post
When we did relent to meeting with him, it was with the pretense of, 'who better to be with than a married couple, very secure in the relationship, with no strings attached.' We had no idea it would evolve into what it has.
But you allowed it to evolve into this cheating situation. You did have control over the situation, nobody forced you to do anything.

Originally Posted by JJ87 View Post
What will happen next? I don't know. Will he leave his wife for us? I doubt it, but then again, I don't know.
Well, you COULD always actually take some control of the situation and do what you feel is right, rather than just "waiting and seeing".

You could say "Look, we would really like to continue this, but we're really uncomfortable about your wife not knowing - either get your relationship with your wife to the point where she agrees with this, and we can meet her, or get yourself to the point where you and she aren't married any more. Then we can really see where this can go. Until then, we really need to stop doing anything that is cheating."

Your choice.

Originally Posted by JJ87 View Post
What I do know is that since we have met him, it has made me realize that I want a poly life. It won't be with him unless he leaves his wife or is totally up front with her. I won't ever ask him to do that, tho.
A good realisation - but I think that you need to really work out where your morals stand with regards to cheating and what you will and won't enter in to in this sort of situation.

As others have said, part of polyamory is the concept of ethical non-monogamy. And in this context, "ethical" usually means that everybody involved has provided their informed consent.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote