Hello everyone, I have been looking at this site for quite some time now, maybe 2 yrs, and desided to join. Excuse me for I will have MANY typos, sorry just look at the name LOL!
Anyway, I have been married for 23 years out of 29 years together with my DH, and while I love my husband,(D) I have been in love with someone else for over 20 years also. In the begining I was just fucking around with J for about 5yrs, and we parted ways. I never stopped thinking of him, and occationaly looked for him. Well about 2 yrs ago I found him online and living in Fl. so I called and sure enough it was him, and a flood gate opened, I felt like the Grinch, I could actually feel my heart, like it was growing bigger in my chest.
So, my DH knew about J as a friend, but yes I was hiding it, and lying to him about J, but as of this Jan. I opened up and told D the truth. Hardcore Truth, about the affair, and my feelings for J, and how I found him again, and was talking to him thru emails, and phone calls.
J did call in 2001 for a small chat, and when he found out I had a child is when he fell of the face of the planet. Now when I found him this time, the first thing he said to me in an email was " I will NOT be a homewrecker". Well after telling my husband the truth, it did not wreck our marriage, and made us stronger than ever before, But 6 months went by before we talked about it again, and I had to tell D that, my feeling for J are not going away, it hurt him of coarse, but the older I get, I feel like time is slipping away from me, and it makes me sad that I may never see J again.
Now at the end of May I desided to tell J that I opened up to my husband, and it sent him into hiding. He will not return my calls or emails, and it is killing me that I have not told either of them about wanting to be open. Hard to tell J when I can't reach him
and don't even know if I should bring it up to D if I can't find out how J feels. I know this may sound stupid, but I don't want this if its not with J. I have had LOTS of oppertunities to have affairs, but if it wasn't J, it wasn't worth it. Even after 15yrs. I am so fricking torn, I could use some advise please. I know I will probably get lot of ill comments for not comming all the way clean yet, but I need help as how to do this.
Thanks for listening, and any advise that comes my way.