We currently have a BDSM relationship, and a few times it has helped us out, but we haven't like... employed it as a reliable coping mechanism, so we're not in hot water there yet. I am wonder whethering there are positive ways we could loop that part into our "communicating" when verbal gets us nowhere. We've dabbled in that, but I don't want to invest in it. But it has helped us in the past when we've had disagreements. It's much easier for us to respect bounds in bed than in non-bed, it seems. Like, we've never pushed the other into physical stuff or roles that the other wasn't cool with, but a little bit of whipping here and there that is enjoyable for both can lend itself to a huge release, and provide relief when we can't come to agreements. It's brought us closer before, but I don't know if it's something I'd want to rely on.
Yeah, she absolutely has self-esteem issues, we both do! And those are really at the heart of things. But I didn't feel it was my place to post on hers specifically. She has expressed that her need to feel loved by as many people as will love her is because she wasn't well loved as a child, and that's a sensitive topic. It's one of the reasons I am able to see that she needed this new person TOO, not INSTEAD, but knowing that didn't console me. We are both quite sure we need solo therapists, it's now just a matter of finding the right one.