Sparklepopp, I can relate a ton with what you posted. I'm 22, I have admitted since I was 12 I was attracted to women, lost my virginity to and have slept with many more women than men, dated a few, and I just know I am primarily into girls. Of all my boyfriends in the past I have never been able to JUST be with them, I've always found myself getting into bed with other females. It just didn't and doesn't make sense to me to NOT be with a woman. I can say pretty certainly that I could never be satisfied in a relationship with a man unless I am sleeping with a girl. Spelling it all out like this really makes me realize...
obviously I am pretty friggen gay. I still think some guys are attractive and enjoy the energy of flirting, but it's nowhere near how I feel about women.
This is my first serious relationship with another woman and I feel like my eyes are now opening up to a lot I've always felt was missing but never able to pin point what exactly.
I know I'm not putting my all into my relationship with my boyfriend and I hate how much of a liar I feel like sometimes. It makes me tear up thinking of the pain I am causing him by not giving him what he needs. I have been a wreck lately because I think I'm finally starting to let him go and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. It feels like such a mistake to even think about it, because of how deeply I know he loves me. How foolish could I be to consider giving up someone who cares about me so fully, knowing everything about me, knowing me better than I even know myself? The one person who I know will always and forever be there for me and never give up on me. I can't stand the thought of losing him in my life. I am just afraid if I can't be what he wants me to be he will be too hurt to stick around at all. But I know we need each other. He's my best friend and I'm his. It's even much deeper than that.
Maybe in the future I will feel different. It's why I'm so afraid to let go... But I'm not here now, and I don't feel it's fair to make him believe otherwise. At this point in my life, I can't imagine living with him, and not her. I can't imagine marrying him. I can
imagine raising a family with him (not that I even know if I'd ever want to do that, but if I did, he's the smartest, most genuine and compassionate person I know and trust.) What does this even mean??? I'm so scared and confused and worried I will screw up. I'm SO afraid of hurting him. I've been so deeply depressed over all of this I can hardly function.