I haven't stonewalled her, I asked for her to pace it and she didn't. I find it kind of perplexing that because I struggled with the first secondary, she (and some posters here) seem to think I'm simply not willing to let her sleep with other people ever. What I'm hoping these posts will help me with is how to get myself there, ahead of time, so next time I can approach it in a more productive way that DOES let her have more freedom, since that is clearly a need.
To respond about my listening: I'm shitty at it. And she's not terribly good at expressing her needs until she's sick of hearing mine and it becomes more a "what about my needs" than "these are my needs."
She would tell me how good this person made her feel, and I would TRY to take that into account, but would respond with all my 2435434 feelings on that topic. Her revealing her feelings didn't affect my actions, in the end, so yeah, I guess they didn't count, which is my bad. We did talk about that and I did try to consider her side of things, but I was kind of crippled, so I failed to hear her out as much as she was willing to hear me. Also, hearing her out made me feel awful. Hearing that she wanted to have sex with anyone but me suddenly became a demon where there didn't used to be one, just because she preferred I not be there. It's like... what on earth doesn't she want me to see? Even though I know it's not about me, rationally, it ate away at me anyway, you know?