"I've had plenty of controlling relationships, where I went out with someone I knew was interested in me, as friends, and had to ignore their advances. I find it kind of exciting, because they want me but tough luck. We've talked about this, and my partner says that same experience makes her feel worthless, like she has nothing to offer."
Wait, am I reading this correctly that if she can't respond to someone's sexual interest she feels worthless? That seems like a really troubling self-esteem issue right there.
Also, I would *strongly* encourage you not to start introducing BDSM stuff into yor relationship before you guys have fully resolved the problems you're having with healthy poly, honesty, and respect for boundaries. You want to start that sort of thing from a place of strength, stability, and total trust. Now just seems like the worst possible time...
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.