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Old 07-25-2012, 03:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It sounds like you are being pressured in a way -- or, rather, feeling pressured. Is this mutual friend only interested in a relationship with your fiance if she's involved with you, too? The way you worded it, it seems like what is delaying their development of things is whether or not you will be her partner as well. I don't think that's realistic or fair, and that really would be forcing things, wouldn't it. If I were you, I would give them the go-ahead to be involved and develop their relationship on their own and then deal with everything that comes up for you surrounding that, first and foremost. I would be hesitant to jump into anything with her until things are very, verrrrry, VERY stable with him dating her.

Don't give in to pressure from this friend of yours. So what if you and she are attracted to each other? Being or practicing poly doesn't mean you have to act on every attraction that comes along. I have a phrase I say to myself when someone gets demanding: "Just because you want this, doesn't mean you get this." No one is entitled to getting what they want from you when they want it, including the people we love. Set boundaries and then keep checking in with yourself as you move along. Only loosen a boundary when you are ready. In poly, this is known as "going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most." DO NOT feel guilty about needing more consideration and effort than your fiance needed. Men and woman often view these kinds of things (sex & relationships) very differently.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-25-2012 at 03:23 PM.
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