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Old 07-25-2012, 05:38 AM
Prudence Prudence is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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@Lovescribe - Ah, that makes sense. Yeah, I wouldn't have calmed down. I would have gotten more worked up. I very much need to prepare for things. Like, that night he said he'd be home by "6 or 7." I have to ignore the "6 or" part because I know he won't actually be home until 7, but if I take to heart "6 or 7" then I start looking for him at 6 and by the time 7 rolls around I'm already halfway to stressed. I doubt I will always be this way but for right now I need plans I can count on, and he knows that. As to how I responded to his request, I said, "No." That's all the goodwill I could muster.

@BaggagePatrol - Thank you. It is heartening to hear that my experience is resonating with somebody, and maybe even inspiring a little. I don't feel very inspiring at the moment. I wish I could say I am always as full of grace as my posts might indicate. Generally, I wait until I am calm and can see both sides before I post; today I am not calm. I am not unbiased. I am hurt and I am angry and I know it shows. Regardless, I'm happy to speak candidly on any topic of your choice, and I agree, now is not the time to suspend these particular boundaries. He and I discussed this earlier and it's his opinion that structure should remain in place until such time as things are running continuously smoothly within them.

@Cindie - Thank you for your kind words. And this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And you probably would have been seething afterwards, which is not good at all, because you would have gone against what you wanted and then felt manipulated or victimized by him, and betrayed by yourself.
...this is exactly me. This is not good for my mental health, LOL. I appreciate the support on standing my ground.

I do want to note, no, he didn't break any rules; he didn't even pressure me (although I feel pressure to be obliging, but that's hardly his fault). He accepted my "No" without argument and he was home on time. He acknowledged that asking for more time was not a fair request; he knew it as soon as he got my response, before he even got home. He recognizes it was his/her problem (time management), not mine. I'm not trying to say he was being shady or manipulative or pushy... he wasn't. He just wanted more time, and didn't think before he asked for it. I sincerely doubt this is a problem that will be repeated. It was just one that shook me, when I'm trying to get over that hurdle of relaxing the rules.

Now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovescribe View Post
How do you feel about it now?
Hurt. Like I'm less important. Like I have to be the bad guy if I want my boundaries honored.

They spent the evening together last night to resolve their stuff (at my suggestion). All day today I was in an incredible funk. After mulling it over awhile, there were a few things that stuck out as really bothering me.

First: that they attempted to reconnect via sex (some difficulty there, but that's another story). That stung because we didn't. (Ongoing insecurity related to the fact that I do the vast majority of initiating sex around here.)

Second: he spent Friday, most of Sunday and then Monday with her. That's... a freaking lot, people. I realize it's strictly within "the rules" (because it's a new week now!) and I realize Monday was even at my suggestion, but that's still a lot, and a lot more than I got, and it felt unfair.

And third: I felt like I was the only one looking out for me, my needs, and my comfort. I try really, really hard to think about her and her needs. I suggest she come to our house for a movie on Friday, because they don't really have a lot of places they can go, and I encouraged them to cuddle as they liked and I made myself scarce so they'd be comfortable doing so. I suggest they have a date on the weekend so they can have plenty of time together and not feel like they have to choose between hanging out and having sex. I suggest switching our plans around so they have their date before our dinner, so they don't feel rushed against curfew. When he gets home, I suggest he talk to her before we have even really had a chance to resolve stuff, because I felt like their issue deserved attention and she sounded more upset than I was at the time. I suggest he go see her the next day to talk things out and reconnect because I know they'll need that. I offer a free pass for physical contact, knowing how important that is to reconnect. And while he was there with her, the two of them were just so wrapped up in each other that nobody said, "Hey, you know, I think we're ok now, and Pru might really want/need an hour or so with you tonight since we've had 3 of the last 4 days together, why don't you go home and spend some time with her?" Nobody said that. Nobody thought that. Nobody thought about me, what might make me feel wanted or needed or important or comforted. So he got home at 3:30am on the dot, exactly at curfew. And I was just so tired and lonely and my bucket was so empty that I couldn't even do anything besides say I was glad they'd worked things out, and go to bed.

I'm actually still really hurt, really angry and really saddened by that.

I need him to take the initiative, and do stuff that shows me I am important to him. I have said this repeatedly. I'm trying hard not to expect him to read my mind, but if I have to ask for everything, it just feels like he's doing it because I'm asking. I need to see the initiative.

Yes, I have said all this to him already.

He spent the day with me and I feel like we've repaired things, but I also feel like I'm just kinda waiting to see if anything actually changes or if I still feel like I have to squeak if I want any grease. And I know I've made him feel awful, like he "fucks everything up" and "can't do anything right." And that's not my intent. I just.... need him to act like I'm a priority.

=/
__________________
Pru, married 6yrs
to the Captain
- who recently started dating Jenga
- and in a 3yr online LDR with the Ninja.

Still very much feeling our way in this world.
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