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Old 07-24-2012, 11:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,218

What if you can’t STOP communicating and your partner is exhausted?

I ask my DH to tell me to cut it the hell out.

I have anxiety issues. It runs on our side of the fam and I see it in my kid. I bought her the kids book here.

It helped me and I've loaned it out to other family friends. Sometimes getting it in a kid version can help an adult take it in better, you know?

Some emotions are fun to feel some are not fun at all. But sun is just sun, rain is just rain, emotion is just emotion. It's just internal weather.

I cannot pick how I feel or when to feel it.Weather happens. I can only choose how I respond in the situation -- I can REACT or I can ACT WITH INTENT.

So knowing that I am prone to anxiety, and knowing I am prone to witter on too long, I asked my spouse to just tell me to jump off the train or to tell me he's full now on his hearing supply and to go farm some of the witter out on friends, family, etc.

So he's resorted to telling me " I need to eat my chicken! I'm full in my ears but my stomach is empty and now my dinner is cold!" because once in exasperation he picked up his dinner plate and waved it around in my face in a silly way and I busted up laughing and that got me off the crazy train. I thanked him for that, told him I apologized for his cold chicken, I could microwave to make ammends or just go away NOW. He didn't know what to say so I solved it myself "I will go away and you can eat and we're good, and you are too right. Crazy making train!"

Since that point he waves metaphorical chicken at me.

He also will take my face, demand I look him in the eye so my focus is there. I respond to this because we did it with our kid at toddler age -- "Give me your eyes! Focus! Hi! I see you! Now give me your ears...."

So he does the toddler thing and then tells me slowly, and softly "You must stop. Fuck the train. Get off NOW. This is too much for anyone, and the train won't go anywhere. Ride it some more later if you must. But today? It is DONE. Fuck off, train!"

And it helps me reset and tend to my sleep needs, my food needs, because he is right. Sometimes -- it won't be solved in just one night. So let it REST.

I cannot push the Earth to spin faster to make it be tomorrow already. And there's other things to tend in the meanwhile. A place and time for everything. Everything at its time and place.

You have to know yourself and what would work, and then report to you peeps what to do when they see you stuck there.

There's rights and responsibilities and while you have the right to their support and nurture, you must ARTICULATE your wants and needs to them. They are not mind readers.

And before you can do that you must KNOW yourself -- so... check within. That's where the answers are -- in you.

What are you wants?
  • Not to call it quits on polyship just yet. (Why do you want to continue? Is is a good reason?)
  • To become a ___ partner?
  • To become a ____ meta?

What are you needs?
  • To go at a pace you can deal with. (This pace is?)
  • To be validated in your wiggy times that it is ok to feel wiggy (They would validate you how?)
  • To be able to unload while respecting your partner's ears limit. (Can you safely unload elsewhere? Friends? Family?)

What are your limits?
  • No threesomes. (Is this a soft limit for now and negotiable later or hard limit?)
I'm taking stabs in the dark there, but spill your guts to yourself on paper, chop it up and sort into "wants, needs, limits" piles and sort just that. Later toss out what is just not reasonable -- have my cake and eat it too crap.

Or just not doable -- wish I could clone myself crap. (I joke to try to make you laugh, I know you hurt. But BREATHE here.)

Then when you have distilled it down, get partner to do same with wants, needs, and limits and take it to the negotiation table. See what plan you come up with trying out for the next ___ mos and see if that flies better.

You will find YOUR solutions if you work it like you own it. Every individual owning your own bag. Partner can help unpack and sort and suggest things that no longer fit you, but YOU have to actually own your own bag and be willing to open it and not lug dumb stuff about. And not expect partner to carry all your unopened baggage for you because you don't want to carry it. If YOU do not want it, toss it OUT.

Then you and partner hold your other bag together -- the couple bag.

Lighter load for all, better time on the couple journey.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-25-2012 at 02:27 AM.
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