All of your responses are on point with where I was last week. I was house hunting (I still am, we're moving apart regardless of whether we maintain a relationship), reaching out to friends, working out logistics to move out, calling my mom to come to SF to help me move and help me find peace in this process while I left her. So I agree with all of you. And I've been in monogamous relationships where nothing this severe happened and I still didn't stand for it, even for a second.
The only defense I have is that she's one of my favorite people, ever. She's one of my best friends, before this was the first person everyone I know also loved for me. She's a great match, and this is two times in almost three years that she (who is 24) has lost control of her clit. We've also slept with people together, we have another mutual partner who is out of state that we care about dearly, and we have future plans.
I'm not ordinarily the kind of girl to let someone walk all over me this way, and as far as I know (and I know this sounds nuts, but I can literally see when she's lying, she's plain shitty at it), she has only crossed me like this twice. And I agree. Fool me once, fool me twice. I do! I see all of that. And she's owned it, plenty. And we DO know we're not ready to be dating other people alone, so we're not now, obviously. But she's keeping it on the table, that at some point, that's a poly freedom she'd like to enjoy, and is willing to work on it. She says she didn't know the magnitude of what all of this would do to me because I gave her "permission." I see it as an excuse, I See her trying to essentially get away with murder.
But you guys, this is just my side. I did send a lot of mixed signals, and I was no angel through any of this. Every time she came home from any date, I was a total nutjob, except the time I described above. I was jealous and stormy and emotionally charged to the hilt. Just hearing she wanted to have sex with this girl sent my tummy into somersaults. At one (DRUNK) point, I told her I was totally cool with them sleeping together, and when she brought it up the next day, revoked it. I jerked her around a lot. NONE OF THIS JUSTIFIES HER BEHAVIOR, I know. But I wasn't really easy to deal with or even understand, and I got really nasty, lots of times, well before her bout of infidelity. She also says that she didn't feel her feelings were a factor, but her feelings were desires for another person, so I felt like they could wait. Was that dickish or totally justified? I felt pretty justified. I still do.
As far as "making" her trustworthy, I worded that deliberately. I know I can't change her, but I though maybe I went about expressing myself in a shitty way, and maybe there was a perspective I could give, or some approach I could take, that would make trust less of a breach of her privacy and more something worth striving for. She's owned up to fucking up, and she has owned up to being manipulative. She's asked why I bother to be with her just like you have, and there are times I can't answer.
The bottom line is, this relationship is important to me. She's young, she fucked up twice in 3 years. And to me that is NOT excusable, and I am certainly not over it. But I'm wondering if anyone here thinks it's fixable. It's up to me if it's worth fixing. But if I were, say, married with children and this happened, I feel like people would be a little more diplomatic in their responses?
Could this be a situation where I need to be less invested, perhaps not as a primary, and relinquish control? Because other than these incidents, our relationship is stronger than my post lets on. I've been in some really awful ones, open and not, and this one isn't anything like those. We both certainly need our own shrinks, that's in the works. But today, versus last week, I'm looking for other options than calling it quits. It might sound naive, and if this was a friend of mine, I'd be all about that friend high-tailing it out. But I'm not into it. What do you do when you don't want to leave?
Sparklepop, just saw your response, following up after this one. I think your points are valid too, and you're spot on re: immaturity. But is one month really that strict for a first secondary? More on that after this reply...
All of these are exactly the perspectives I was hopingfor from you guys! Thanks!