View Single Post
Old 07-24-2012, 08:28 PM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

Grrl, I feel for you. Sounds like a very hard place to be.

Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
She violated my trust something fierce, and even my health. She shit on my boundaries, down to the worst one.
(quoted for emphasis)

Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
Like, she allows me do to do whatever I want (which is permission Iíve never asked for and never take advantage of when sheís not around), so why canít she.
Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
My question for the forum:
But how do I learn to trust her?
I'm guessing that a lot of people might respond to this with: why would you want to?
There are, as they say, plenty of fish in the sea; and plenty who will worship you properly and not do things in the first place to violate your trust.
She didn't have an 'oops.' She consciously and deliberately and knowingly made a decision to a) violate your trust, and b) lie to you about it, and c) blamed you for her behaviour (your boundaries were too stiff).

Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
How do I get her to behave in trustworthy ways?
You need to spend some time with a therapist who is not your couple's therapist and see why this question is a large part of your problem. It's not merely 'you can't control what she does' but that you think you can 'get her' to become trustworthy. She was untrustworthy long before she met you, and your love is not going to transform her into a trustworthy person. [this message brought to from someone who has been attempting to do this sort of thing for longer than you have likely been alive]

Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
Were my rules too strict?
I highly doubt it. I would have found them reasonable, had they been imposed on me by someone I loved and cared for.

Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
If she were your SO in their first secondary relationship, would her infidelity be a deal-breaker for you guys?
Completely and totally. If I had said 'don't come to me with someone else's scent on you' and they did? that would have been the end.

Wishing you strength.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
Reply With Quote