View Single Post
Old 12-05-2009, 01:41 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Clarification questions:
Are you currently in a V or a triad?
Do the three of you live together?
The additional is a woman?
Is your husband looking for her to move in or just be able to hang out?

- I feel overwhelmed by the amount of emotional work I think I need to do to make this work.
Any relationship-even monogomous ones do require a lot of emotional work to be healthy. I'm curious if you feel like THIS relationship (the added woman) is MORE work than the one between you and hubby was and/or with your other lover was?
Also is that only in reference to your emotional work or everyone's?
What I mean is-is this one more work for EVERYONE or only you and is the amount of work you need to do for this one at all comparable to the amount of work they had to do when you started the V?

-I have "space" issues, I guess I am territorial about my house, my stuff, etc.
I am certainly territorial about my home, stuff, kids, etc. as is my husband, but we haven't had difficulty negotiating these details in regards to BF... Wondering if you are feeling unsafe about it?
In our case for example, GreenGecko (my boyfriend who lives with us)and I do NOT have sex, sleep, cuddle etc in hubby's bed EVER. We also do not use the bathroom/shower that I share with Maca (hubby)... those two places are "sacred to our marriage" in Maca's eyes and so we respect that and honor that... Thus allowing him security in his territory...
Can you identify your territorial issues a little more clearly?

For me (no extra woman dating husband but my sister lives here and there is another woman moving in soon) I am territorial about the kids. They are all my kids-and I've had all but one since birth (ss I've had since 18 months old). I am free with ANYONE upholding the rules for them, but the rules are made by me. I share that duty with Maca and I take suggestions from anyone (live in or no) but the bottom line is mine. This is just understood about the kids. If Maca had a girlfriend move in-then she would need to understand this. Can she discipline the kids? Sure. Can she discipline them for something I don't hold them to? Absolutely not and she may not create rules for them.

Do you see what I am trying to show about how you can be territorial and make concessions for relationships dynamics that ALLOW that territorial security?

- I am not used to not being front and centre (in a "V", most of the attention, affection and such is on me)
This is a big change, but I agree with GS, need to control the ego here. Once we grow up we have the ability to recognize that the world really does not revolve around us. Therefore we have to take that recognition and add to it the understanding that if things are not revolving around us and we are "bored", "lonely" etc we have the freedom to find something else to entertain us (reading, bubble baths, dancing, photography, date with other person in V, etc).

-anger at the pressure for me to get to know this new person and have them be part of our life.
Why is there a pressure here? Why are you angry about it?

I think the biggest thing is that I'm disappointed by my own feelings, because logically I know this can be a good thing, and he's happy, but I feel like shit.
Don't beat yourself up-look at this as an opportunity. You've reached a new grade in school so to speak and it's time to learn new things. New things aren't always easy or fun to learn. But once we do master them they tend to lead us to greater happiness and joy in the long run!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote