but now, I'm at a point where I dread the moment I do feel jealous of one of my lovers, because somewhere deep down I feel like "after everything i've put people through, I don't have the right to feel that" and that it would make me an asshole and a hypocrite.
We all have emotions and we all need to tend them and talk about them. That need does not make you a hypocrite-but I empathize with the feeling. It was a HUGE struggle for me when jealousy hit me. I felt all of those same things. But, with a little TLC from my husband and some work on my part, I got through it and we're stronger for it.
It's important to remember we are EACH individuals and we EACH have all of these emotions and IT IS OK. IT's not the having of emotions that is ever an issue. It's when we choose to act out inappropriately that problems are created.
And most importantly it makes me feel like I cant possibly ask for support or consideration of my feelings if I, myself, end up feeling jealous, insecure, posessive... and this, in turn influences my ability to trust people and let myself go emotionally. Because, what if....? After all, "I'm an asshole and I've hurt people"....
Hurting someone doesn't make you an asshole. But, not asking for what you need honestly, could be a real asshole move in a relationship because people can't read your mind. So if you don't communication your needs-you are effectively tying their hands behind their backs.
Try to visualize a little and realize the backwardness of your thought pattern. Sometimes if we make it a visual thing-like watching a movie-we can more easily flip out opinion on the topic.
But there's the words "fairness" and all the comparing and all the guilt, and........ I just don't know anymore...
help? thoughts? insight?
& thanks for reading...
Fair does not mean equal.
There is no simple way to define what is or is not fair in life, except that many things don't appear to be. One would have to understand the full purpose of life (havne't met anyone who does) AND every detail and aspect of each parties prior experiences and potential future experiences in order to define "fair".
So, it's best to hand that one over the powers that be-whatever they may be to you and understand that the best you can do is treat YOURSELF and others with respect and kindness in so much as possible while being wholly honest and open about your weaknesses and struggles as well as your goals and efforts and needs.
SELF HATRED KILLS.
Please get some therapy on that.
Just reading your comments on self hatred tears me up.
It's been 1 month 1 week and 5 days since my friend committed suicide.
She had a BEAUTIFUL life, was making great strides in fighting for equal rights for minorities in our town, her funeral was packed. A church filled with LGBT's who hadn't set foot in church in years, disabled, deaf, black, white and every other color people. Because she was just such an amazing person.
But, the self-hatred over her mis-perceived version of who she was got the best of her and stole it from the world.
Please please please-don't let that one go It's not worth the risk.
Find someone to talk it through with that can help you move past it and make peace with yourself.