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Old 07-24-2012, 05:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quianaa2001 View Post
I guess I don't really need any label for the relationship I have with him, at least I have a relationship with him.
Hmmm, that comment, "at least I have a relationship with him" sounds like you're settling for what you can get, instead of pursuing and creating the kind of relationship you want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by quianaa2001 View Post
Maybe when talking I could use the words secondary, or tertiary if the need arose? But not directly to describe what we have between us.
I think it would probably be better to simply describe what you want out of the relationship, your needs, expectations, etc., instead of stating that you want a certain kind of position according to hierarchical labeling. Leave the labels alone. I have found that, while having in-person discussions, using certain poly jargon sounds really dorky and dumb.

Quote:
Originally Posted by quianaa2001 View Post
It will be scary but I will have to work up the bravery to tell him I would feel better with our relationship more clearly defined.
Yes, but have YOU defined for yourself what you want and how you want to approach your relationship with him? It sounds like you intend to go to him almost like a beggar, asking him to define it for you. I encourage you to take a stance. If you don't yet know what it is want and how to define it, you'd best figure it out before having the talk with him. Define for yourself how you want it to be and discuss it with him, and that's where negotiations will take off from. Don't just leave it all up to him and hope you'll get something, anything, good out of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by quianaa2001 View Post
My poly 'friend' and I have been long distance, communicating with each other over email and skype. We have met up twice so far, to meet up again this weekend and I'm so excited!

I'm thinking we have more of a f*ck buddy relationship. I'm okay with that I guess, because I know he cares about me and I know we have great sex together! But I am just curious if the slight possibility exist of some day things growing to something else. In no way do I want a primary relationship as he already has one of those. I just have some fizzing of fuzzy feelings and I don't know what to do with them.
How long have you been involved with him? It sounds like a fairly new relationship. Are you sure you aren't just caught up in the euphoria of a new relationship, getting all misty-eyed about it, and wanting more? Are your feet on the ground, or is your head in the clouds? How do you manage the long distance - does it leave you feeling like it's not enough? Do you have other partners, or are you solely focused on him? How old are you? Do you have much relationship experience? You may need to sort things out a little bit more for yourself before laying any requests for big changes on him. Make sure you are looking at the relationship clearly and not projecting some needs onhim that you need to fulfill yourself.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-24-2012 at 05:23 PM.
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