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Old 07-24-2012, 04:30 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 187

Hey there SaBo. First off, take a deep breath. You sound like you are reeling, spinning yourself into a tizzy with these emotions. To start, has something specific happened recently to urge you to react this way and reach out?

Originally Posted by SaBo View Post
I know that I still have a lot of internalized monogamy-socialization inside me and a lot of guilt and self-hatred associated with thI'm at a point where I dread the moment I do feel jealous of one of my lovers, because somewhere deep down I feel like "after everything i've put people through, I don't have the right to feel that" and that it would make me an asshole and a hypocrite.
You are NOT an asshole or a hypocrite but I understand that you feel that way. My boyfriend loves both his SO and me. I am monogamous to him. He does get jealous, very easily, over my innocent interactions with other men. His fears come from the same place Monogamous peoples fears come from - a fear of loss. Although he understands that he can love 2 women at once, he knows that I choose not to. I mean, I CAN love him and love another, but I would choose to only be with one. I believe, as do most people on here, that although you can love two people at once, you can only be actively IN LOVE with one person at a time. So he knows that if that happens to me , I will leave him. I don't have the time, energy or attention span to manage both.

That doesn't make him an asshole or a hypocrite! This makes him HUMAN. And I actually appreciate that he feels that way and is honest enough to share it with me.

You DO have a right to feel that way. But you also have a responsibility to learn to manage it. And you can never hold anyone back from finding what they need, considering your need to do that as well, even if it means losing them.

I can't tell you how many times we have had the "Are you breaking up with me????" talk. And NO , I never am, but it is a real, valid fear for him. And, as I need many reassurances, he does too. And we will both provide as much as we all need.

Originally Posted by SaBo View Post
And I hate it, because my feelings on non-monogamy and freedom of human relationships is one thing I am absolutely clear on and certain about, and yet I know that somewhere inside of me a part of myself feels like it's a "bad thing to do/be". And it makes me hate myself.
Then I guess that you have a decision to make. Maybe therapy would help as was suggested above by Annabel. Either learn to embrace it, be true to yourself and others and enjoy your poly tendencies. Or retire from poly and find someone to be with solely. There is no right answer, just the answer that makes the most sense to you. Whatever you choose, you can make it work if you really want.

Originally Posted by SaBo View Post
And most importantly it makes me feel like I cant possibly ask for support or consideration of my feelings if I, myself, end up feeling jealous, insecure, posessive... and this, in turn influences my ability to trust people and let myself go emotionally. Because, what if....? After all, "I'm an asshole and I've hurt people"...

YES you can. And YES you should. Always be honest, with yourself and your loved ones.

There are many threads on here by other poly folk who feel jealous, insecure, etc... It's human nature to have those emotions. You just need to learn how to effectively communicate and manage them. First step though, is getting you feeling at peace with your own self.

I do understand where you are coming from; my bf has also felt like an asshole when he sees how this poly dynamic negatively affects both me and his SO. He's witnessed many tears, fears, doubts, insecurities and it hurts him. He does feel as if he's being selfish sometimes. (And sometimes maybe he is.) But I love him and accept that the situation he is in is rather difficult as well. I appreciate that it must suck sometimes to feel so torn between many places - where you want to be and where you need to be. And that varies by the situation, by the day and giving up any of those things are not an option for him - work, home, SO, friends, family, hobbies, with a needy gf added in the mix..(but wow, does she ever love and appreciate him and he certainly benefits from that!! )

Hope you find some peace.
Good luck
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