A minor setback this weekend... the plan was for the Captain and Jenga to have their date Sunday afternoon, and he'd be home by 7, then we'd all go out for dinner. They didn't manage their time well so by the time they got back to her place they didn't really have enough time for sex. He texted me asking for more time; I said no. They rushed things, it didn't go well, she was unhappy and took it personally. He got home on time but I was peevish from the request. We canceled dinner. Nobody was in the mood for it by then.
I didn't like being put on the spot. I knew he was with her, I knew why he needed more time, I knew if I said no I'd be raining on their parade. I didn't like the pressure to say yes (although he didn't pressure me at all, that was merely my perspective). I didn't like the change of plans - I still really rely on being able to prepare myself emotionally for what is happening. And I really, really didn't like the perception that plans with me (dinner) were of secondary importance to plans with her (sex), especially since he'd just had most of the day with her. All around, not a good feeling.
We talked it out and he acknowledged it was poorly done. One of the things he said that struck me was that he didn't really consider the ramifications of the request because I'd been so understanding and supportive lately. (And acknowledged that's no reason to take advantage; it wasn't intentionally done, it just didn't receive as much care as it might have if I were pricklier about things, I suppose.) But that makes it really hard to just say, Ok, free rein, have fun! ...because what if that just makes it even easier to do whatever without thinking about me and how I might feel?
Trying to focus on his mending efforts (which are excellent, as always) and the fact that we do actually learn from our mistakes (they are seldom repeated). Last night I told him to take some time and talk to her, because I knew she'd need that after the way their date ended. And when he was unable to convince her that things were really okay between him and I, I chatted with her via text for a while to put her mind at ease. Then I suggested they get together tonight after he gets off work so they can have their time to talk/process/fix stuff, since I had mine last night. I have no hard feelings about any of this, and I want to be sure her needs are addressed, too. So despite the kneejerk response to hunker down and surround myself with even tighter rules, I've given him a free pass for physical contact tonight. I imagine they'll want to kiss and cuddle and reaffirm that connection - I would.
It's not quite all the way let go but it's progress. Right? =P
Pru, married 6yrs
to the Captain
- who recently started dating Jenga
- and in a 3yr online LDR with the Ninja.
Still very much feeling our way in this world.