Well, Iím afraid today was not as jolly as I would have liked. Weíre now 2 days into our family vacation Ėbut I canít say itís been relaxing even a tad. Child #2 is at sleep away camp, Child #1 is in day camp, Child #4 isnít sleeping through the night (and is getting FOUR new teeth), and Piper has worked a full day and then some. :/ And if that werenít enough, hereís my sharing too much info, but letís just say itís not my happiest time of the month. So sigh, I was hoping to be able to lounge in bed, watch the baby play, spend the afternoons talking with my son, share a drink and a few smiles with Piper in the evening. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Apparently, the answer is a resounding, yes. <sigh> <sigh>
Having said all that, a few things have been accomplished nonetheless. First, Piper has started emailing Colada and me each day and this has worked out really well for several reasons. A) sheís replying to all
B) He asked us to share specific information Ė it was rather prescriptive Ė so basically, itís quick, itís easy, and therefore, it doesnít allow anyone to overthink, and C) the emails are about our real lives and not about sex so weíre getting to know each other at least a little. I think itís a good start. Second, Iíve started seriously shopping for my new suite dťcor. I want, above all, a calm space. Iíve been googling Ďspa roomí and looking at all sorts of images. Iím trying not to go overboard Ė at least until they decide if they want the upstairs or downstairs space. Pragmatically speaking, they should take downstairs. It is a space Iíve never occupied and it has an exterior door Ė it also has the option for adding additional space (bedrooms, kitchen, LR, etc). Also, upstairs is kid-ville so it would allow all the bambinos to continue to wonder into my room without wondering whatís up. Still, I suspect they will choose upstairs so Iím preparing for both options at this point.
The other Ė well, Iím not sure what to call it Ė experience? Thing? Event? Realization? Ė well anyway, what Iím trying to say is that Piper and I have been in the same room now for a few days and weíre falling back into old/bad habits. Mostly, weíre bickering and our communication is poor. Itís so very depressing that we canít figure out how to share space in harmony but we just donít seem to be able/know how to do it. I donít know if I expect too much from him (e.g. heíll say something is going to take 30 seconds and 30 minutes later heís finally ready Ė which thoroughly drives me insane because I have several other people Iím trying to wrangle and I rely on accurate information to be able to plan; or I expect to be able to talk to him throughout the day Ė but I generally end up interrupting him working, which thoroughly drives him insane). And then we get to the end of the day and we are both just plain tired of each other.
It makes me so sad. And itís the primary reason I think maybe Iím better as a secondary. On my own, Iím stronger. I donít rely on his input for things. I just plan my day and the kidsí. I also donít care if heís working because I make my own plans and donít worry about him or his Ė if he wants to hang out with me, heíll ask, and if Iím available fine and if Iím not so be it. Maybe most people do this naturally? I guess my idea of being married is being involved in each otherís life Ė but that means that I expect to be part of decisions, planning, day-to-day thoughts, etc. And that makes me too needy Ė and annoys Piper to no end. But without that level of involvement, I feel rejected and disliked Ė which makes me feel sad that Iím not wanted. So bottom line, Iím feeling like shared space and shared lives doesnít work for us. Iím not saying that Piper doesnít want to be part of my life Ė Iím just saying that I donít think he wants to be so wrapped up togetherÖor at least, thatís my impression. Piper Ė certainly clarify/correct if needed. Iím just giving my interpretation. So when Iím a little detached and donít feel so much ownership/involvement with him, I donít seem to bug him as much. The cost is that Iím more distant but maybe the benefit outweighs the cost. I would rather we get along during fewer days of the week than be together during all our free time and be angry/resentful toward each other.
Rule #6: Facilitate communication between all parties if you are the hinge.
Task #6: Ponder how one might be both involved with Piper and yet also not so entangled.