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Old 07-23-2012, 11:57 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Default Completely Normal

Originally Posted by Stephy2002 View Post
In reality, I wanted to run in there and yell, "Get off my BOYFRIEND!!"
Hahah! Bravo! I admire your honesty and I suspect it will get you far in a coupling arrangement like poly.

I'm really just confused. I've fantasized about them having sex, and was genuinely very turned on by it. So I thought that I would love it when it became a reality. But they haven't even had sex yet, and the fires of jealousy are burning within me.
I would avoid confusing one thing with the other. Your being turned on by them sleeping together is one thing - your being jealous of their cuddling and budding love for each other can be (and seems to be in your case) entirely different.

People equate different values to love/romance and sex.

I know how easily it can be to fall out of love with someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. I fell in love with someone else when I was married.
The name of the game in polyamory is having the ability to love more than one person and this being completely ok. I am in love with multiple women, my skin tingles and my heart skips a beat when I see either of them. The feelings are different, of course, because they are different women, but the fact that I love both of them is undeniable.

Falling out of love with someone and falling in love with someone else are two different conversations. We do not have a limited amount of love to offer - if I love one person it does not automatically tip a scale and force me to fall out of love with someone else. I would caution you about confusing those two topics (if that is indeed what I am reading).

There is NOTHING outside of artificial rules that say his new love for this girl will affect his love for you (at least not any more than giddy excitement over a new hobby or new friendship)

I've expressed my feelings to him, so he knows exactly how I feel. We've talked about it. I feel like he means it when he tells me I have nothing to worry about.
If this is true you are in luck. I might just chalk the jealousy feelings up to shock from a new situation and needing to keep the lines of communication open.

I know I need to be happy for him, that he's found a new friend. I guess part of it is that, when we are all three together, I feel like the third wheel.
That's an important thing to realize. Maybe there won't be room for you in the beginning and you'll need to accept the fact that they need more time to themselves, maybe you need to improve at voicing "Mind if I cuddle with you guys for a bit?" or the like. I'm not sure what your desired outcome is.

I honestly have never really felt jealousy before, with anyone, and I just don't know what to do with these feelings.
Mainly I'd say to not blow it out of proportion. People get jealous and envious, certainly for a person who's pretty new to sharing in this fashion (if I understand your situation correctly).
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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