I'm not sure where else to turn. I'll try not to ramble or sound too whiny...I just feel so confused.
My fiance and I have been together over four years. For over three years of that time we've been in an open relationship. For the last seven months we have been poly (when we were open it was always just fwb, no romance, emotions, etc. with other people... just friendly sex).
I seem to have no trouble being poly myself (although right now I'm technically monogamous). I have dated other men and women since my fiance and I decided dating (and not just sex) was okay. But now he's dating and I can barely handle it.
I feel like such a hypocrite. I know I am being one. I get so hurt and upset and frustrated and jealous over him being with other women. I'm so worried he's gonna replace me... Like I won't be his primary forever. (I know this is also stupid, because this is ALWAYS a risk, poly or not.) But now, he's involved with a close friend of mine... and she's also interested in being involved with me too. And I am her... But I'm so hot and cold with it. One day I'm totally fine with it and into it. The next I'm not. I know it's hard for them both because I'm kinda jerking them around. I know it frustrates my fiance the most because he has watched me date other people in the past six months and this is his first real chance.
I'm just not sure how to deal with these feelings. I feel like everytime I voice the opinion that I'm not so sure about this whole poly thing I'm made into a bad person. I hate that. But at the same time I understand it. My fiance and friend have been taking things really slow (haven't even had sex or anything) and I know it's hard when I'm giving them this yellow light. But I don't know how to NOT give a yellow light... because it's how I feel! Should I just suck it up and always give them a green light? Even when I'm not feeling it? Because I understand it's not fair and it's not like they can turn the feelings off when I'm not feeling it and turn them back on when I am.
I don't wanna get in the way of anyone's happiness.
But I wanna be happy too.
And half the time I'm really not happy with this situation.
I don't know what to do!
How do I know if poly is right for me? Why am I okay with myself doing it and him not?
(Although to be honest with you, I'm monogamous right now by choice... I ended my other relationships... It was just too much emotion for me. Too much to balance and handle. I'm not so sure even I want to be poly.)
I don't know what to do anymore. I keep telling myself to suck it up and give it a real try but some days I just hate it so much. I keep telling myself she's leaving in a year and I'll try it for this year and see how it goes. Then I also have this secret plot to run away from it all (deep down I know this won't solve anything, but I can't help wanting to flee from it sometimes).
SIGH! Any and all advice is appreciated. Anyone else feel this way? Anyone reading this get a good idea of what I should do?
Either way, thanks for reading and letting me vent. I wish I had someone to talk to about this... It's why I came here