I am so happy with myself for making a decision that I feel genuinely good about.
I've decided to quit the blame-everyone-else-for-your-troubles -game for now. Instead, I have my first AA meeting tomorrow. I hope I get up the courage to go. I have read a lot of the literature involved with this group and feel happy about their philosophy of accepting personal responsibility for things you can change and letting the rest go.
I've looked through a lot of self-help groups lately. I was thinking of going to one that is directed to family members of narcistic individuals, but decided against for now. I think I need to start learning how to separate my personal issues from everyone else's. A self-confessed drama-addict, I need to learn how to live with my own past and solve the questions and challanges it has brought to me, and start treating everyone else later (if ever).
I am now living at a shelter for women who have fallen on hard times, which is good, and I also contacted the police today and told him I want to start living in peace and not live in fear of my mother. I've read on how the AA people believe that everyone needs to hit their personal rock bottom before they can start to build up a life for themselves.
So now that I have broken up my relationship with everyone I truly care about, burnt away all my cash and some cash that's not mine too, run like an effin lunatic and gone past paranoia and desperation to the good calm place of knowing that really, it can't get any worse, I feel I'm finally ready to accept what has happened.
I have realized that I am an addictive personality. Everything fun and pleasurable, I try once and I am hooked. Nothing except complete abstinence can help me now while I am on my road to recovery.
I feel a lot of anger for some stuff that's been done to me. I am resentful, for example, for the constant head injury my mother courteously dealt during my formative years. I hope I can one day get an MRI scan and really know what has happened, i.e. which areas have been hit and how hard, but it's not super-important now.
Another thing I would like to learn is how to deal with being continuously molested as a child. I know people do live happy productive lives and have partners etc., but I'm not there yet. I would like to develop a sexuality and intimacy that feels good to me, and not just use sex and love as teddybears to cure the terrible inner longing I have.
And third on the list is learning how to cry again. Everytime I cried as a child, somebody would hit me in the face or in the head or throw something at me or pull at my hair or try to smother me etc., no need to go into great and gory detail right now. I tried to keep an about face, but would also get hit for that. Laughing and smiling were considered disrespectful, since there was nothing to laugh about, and about face showed I was secrectly plotting something. So when I was around seven or so, I discovered that everytime I felt something, I could calmly, in my mind's eye, take it, examine it, and then crush it into little pieces and let it die. So except somewhat drugged but generally benevolent stupour, I've not felt anything since I went to school, and everytime I felt real anger, joy, sadness or fear, I've smothered it.
I've read a lot of stuff people who have been tortured have written, and I realize that is what has been done to me. It's not nice to admit that you have been tortured with abandon, sincerity and spite for 20 years, and probably moreso, since the really early stuff I've tried to forget about (like the real reason for my head injury I strongly suspect I have). Also, my lack of empathy is a little more palatable now, since everytime somebody is speaking about their troubles, I'm secrectly scoffin like "yeah, you think you have it difficult! try me life for a change".
I think I became so emotionally distant since everytime I protested, my mum would tell me that I knew nothing of real suffering, that there were a plenty of kids who were worse off, living in war zones for example, and nowadays I think she was wrong. I had it pretty darn bad. Not to wallow in self-pity, but honestly, no mum should be hell-bent on killing their kids. People don't believe families that bad exist, but they really do. Just so you know.
Me: bi female in my twenties