My friend wrote on her blog a post about what it means to be completely open and free from the shackles of fear and attachment. I would add to that. I would add certainty and doubt to that also. Certainty and doubt are shackles also I think.
She reminded me how, when I open myself up, I become vulnerable but that beyond that there is complete freedom. Fear and vulnerability disappear. Emotion becomes so deep its almost shattering its so loud. It feels like floating weightless on and ocean, lost at sea, but knowing the shore is close at hand and its swimable to reach it.
I am reminded by her that events unfold regardless of my clambering to control them and that everything passes. If I can reach that place of openness then I will be free from all of that and even if that floating feeling comes and goes in a moment, once reached I can obtain it again. This is what I stay awake for at night. This is what I practice over and over. I am working on finding that place of "open" so I can find it when I want to find it. So it gives me perspective and releases me from control.
To do that I let my mind wander where it will. I have given up trying to control it. Its lead to my burn out. I decided there must be a better way to deal with things that haunt me. I lay there, huddled with the blanket up to my mouth fearful of every thought that comes to mind. I suppose some people in the poly world would call it jealousy or envy, but really, its all just fear. To me jealousy and envy are what occurs in that moment of being informed of something that could be a threat. Allowing that to fester without working through it is what jealousy and envy are to me. Working on that feeling, pulling apart the emotions that tangle together in jealousy and envy is something different. To me it boils down to fear.
I allow myself to fear when I lay in bed at night and then mold it. I've discovered that I can stand outside of it and look in on it. When I can do that I can pick pieces of the scenario and let my mind go from what I know to be what is happening to what could happen. Every scenario plays itself out until there is nothing more I can think of. Its an exercise in futility to one extent because I can't predict what will happen, but I find some kind of comfort in being prepared for anything. It allows me to find that moment of openness. I eventually reach a place where I float and feel shattered emotionally. Euphoric and exhausted. A world where only I exist. Finally I sleep.
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