Thread: defeated
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Old 07-23-2012, 02:29 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Re read the reply you wrote to me where the first word is "Snowmelt". That is you being defeated or down.

Re read the reply you posted that starts with something like "I don't like to think I'm weak" - or something like that. That is you being defensive, which is UP compared to defeated.

The difference between these two replies (one is up, the other down) is part of your own personal up and down cycle. The one you complained about as never ending. Do a search on the term codependence. Study it.


Part of what is fueling this cycle is the fact that you want monogamy from your husband, and he doesn't want to give it to you. That means monogamy from him is unavailable to you. You have chosen to stay even though you are very unhappy about the whole thing.

I think part of the reason you started this thread is to try to get someone to come to your defense. You want someone to say to you: "Yeah, you should be enough for him". I also think you're choosing to stay because you want to give yourself time to change him back to being monogamous with you.

A person with high self esteem would be able to look at this situation and be able to see clearly that monogamy is not available to you from him. That same person with high self esteem would be able to decide if she can be happy with him knowing he wants to be with others, leave to find someone who wants monogamy, or stay and find someone else who will share you with him.

Based on the fact that he wants other women, these are the only choices available to you. Choosing to stay in a situation that doesn't work for you, because you want the time to change him back to the way he was, and complaining about your situation ( and any "progress" or lack of you think you made with him) one day and being defensive about it another day is the behavior of a person with low self esteem. My words to you are not a judgement, criticism, belittling or anything of the sort. My words are an observation of the facts, as you have described them with your own words, spoken to try to help you see what I see.

Coming to your defense by telling you that you should be enough for him, would be me stepping into your drama. I'm not going to go there. I'd rather try to help you by telling you what I see.


The up and down cycle you have going on doesn't have to be you in the future, but it is you right now. This cycle is inside of you. Its yours right now. I'm not making this stuff up. Re read your own words on those two replies.


LovingRadiance described the choices available to you really well in her post that starts with "No one can". I think it starts with that. She's posted twice so far on this thread. One of them is the one I'm talking about. Should be easy to find.

So, stand up, breathe deeply, look at your life, proactively decide ( from the available choices) what you want for you, and start making any changes that are necessary. If you catch yourself being defensive or complaining, try to step out of that. The answers to the question "what do I really want" won't come from a defensive or complaining place. They will come from a calm, centered, contemplative place.

Last edited by snowmelt; 07-23-2012 at 08:01 PM.
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