The issue of starting a family had been a long-running discussion between us for the last few years. I had made it clear that I didn't feel it was the right time for us to have a child for lots of reasons - we were still working out what the poly stuff meant in terms of our relationship, we weren't communicating well, I was very stressed with work and studying, we weren't in a great financial position. I have also considered whether it was non-accidental on her part but it doesn't seem helpful to dwell on that as it can't be helped now and any mention of it results in a lot of anger from L. I don't believe for one moment that S intended any such consequence as he really was shocked/horrified and very distressed by the situation.
L is trying very hard to make me feel involved. She makes frequent references to me as 'daddy' and conspicuously asks my opinion about everything relating to the pregnancy. She seems to be trying to compensate for my lack of consent and involvement at the beginning. I feel ambivalent about all this.
We haven't had a chance for all three of us to sit down and discuss the situation since we had the big talk a few weeks ago. It was at that point that we decided who would take a parental role and so forth. At the time, I think we were all still a bit in shock and highly emotional so there was perhaps a degree of knee-jerk reaction going on. There was a lot of tension, suspicion and hurt at the meeting. Over the last few weeks, we all seem to have come to terms with the situation a bit more and a lot of the initial shock and distress has dissipated and our positive feelings for each other seem to have returned a bit.
I have talked a little to my wife about this over the last couple of days although she has not really given much insight into her thoughts on this. I wrote a long and extremely frank email to S on Friday morning, laying all my feelings (both positive and negative) on the table. I haven't had a response yet.