View Single Post
  #184  
Old 07-23-2012, 01:02 PM
jonandkas jonandkas is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Near London, UK
Posts: 5
Default

Thanks for your kind, contemplated reply

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I would ditch that idea. As in - if you can't rephrase it "I'm open to a quad if we meet the right people and it will make Kas AND I happy" then don't even entertain it. Experimenting with people to test out what you're looking for can be bad. These other people are hearts and souls, and although I know there are happy quads, almost every post I've ever read about a quad is about how one person really isn't that interested anymore, or never was as invested, and then you have 4 unhappy people.

My advice is to date as individuals, if a triad happens in the future, great if that's what you want! Lots of problems come from looking for a specific configuration instead of being open to individual connections and seeing where they go.
I think I chose to phrase it that way because it's the scenario that would take me longest to aclimatise to.

Also, I didn't want it to seem to Kas like I was only thinking about myself & am aware that moving to a polyamorous relationship gives her the ability to explore. I really care about her happiness and if it's something she would want to pursue, then I would support her in that. But it's not the scenario I would favour in my current mind. Her happiness is closely linked to mine & if she wanted that, I don't have inhibitions that would stop it or anything of the sort - I'm just not bi-curious, so maybe quad is the wrong terminology - it would be more like a V plus a triad or two Vs. If I could get a good, close friend out of it - that would make me very happy Perhaps that's a better way to phrase it?

From more discussions after this post last night, it's not what she's looking for - so quad is likely out the window... however, I'm not particularly against the idea, I'd just need time to adjust to another guy around.

It seems we're both on a very similar as to what we would like... triad or V, but we're not restricting ourselves - we want more love in our lives & want to be open to it, however it arrives.

You're 100% right with respect to experimenting with people... not quite what we want to do, the problem is - we feel as though this is something we could both get a lot out of, however due to no experience with the poly community/lifestyle/etc - we can't know for certain until we have tested the water. We pride ourselves on our honesty (something which has got us both in trouble at work one way or another, lol) and would certainly be very up-front with anyone we meet, it's who we are and even how we met.

Quote:
Read some of the books on the Books and Websites sticky, I've read most of the poly ones and would recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, it will help guide you through a lot of the good questions, and what to expect, when transitioning from mono to poly. It will help ensure you and Kas KNOW if you're on the same page or not, instead of accidentally thinking you are and finding out you're wrong through trial and error and drama.
Will take a look at that, thanks.

Quote:
I "made the switch" because my 1st husband and I married young, had been together over a decade, and outside influences had made us aware there were other options so we started talking about it. I believe mainly what both of us hoped to get out of it originally was a bit of variety in sexual experiences, since each of us had only had a few other sexual partners/experiences as teens.

Did I get what I wanted out of it? Hmm kind of? Originally was not aware of polyamory, though when I discovered information about it, it seemed like a good fit for what I wanted. Was still a surprise to fall in love with somebody else. That is one thing people new to it often aren't prepared for the reality of. Read and discuss what people say about NRE (new relationship energy) and be willing to examine your own behavior if you start dating - try to be aware if you're falling under its spell.
Interesting... when we first started talking about it, it did seem to be as simple as more variety.

After talking about it further, though - we realised we want more than that, even if the odd shorter encounter could be a fun experience. We would like to bring someone in to our own little world and share that with them, ideally a form of co-habbiting triad.

Quote:
Be aware that if one of you falls in love, you might want to spend a lot of time with your other partner, even splitting time equally and having "co-primaries" or come up with the brilliant idea you should all live together. You can't know what the future holds, but it's a good idea to be aware of the possibilities. What you think you want now, or promises you make to each other that no other relationship will rock your boat, are idealistic. Maybe it will be true, but do not count on it too much.
We realise things like jealousy will never dissappear, it's more about how you cope with it & how well you trust your partner(s). We have a very good level of trust with each other and are confident our relationship can weather the storm, should any arise. I've never been in such an honest, free from bullshit, emotionally satisfying relationship. We recognise there will have to be compromises along the way, but our promise to each other is to work through those & never let jealousy or similar tear us apart.

We realise we don't yet know what we're getting ourselves in for and I think that's where the pensiveness is coming from.

We both have a strong desire to pursue this, obviously thinking its something we'll both take to. With such a mindset, I think it's unlikely either of us will change our minds.

Quote:
I pursued it on OKCupid.com. I met my current husband on it. I met my current boyfriend on it. Anybody I've known who was registered there and that I've been great friends or partners with were a 90% or so partner and/or friend match.
How did you "advertise" yourself in this context - did you mention in your profile that you were polyamorous (or words to that effect) or is that a subject you brought up later, once you'd started talking?

The reason I'm asking is because, without the experience of looking yet, my mind seems to think that most out there wouldn't even be open to the idea. Am I overthinking this? It's probably a lot more flexible in general.

Quote:
Look for local munches and meeting if that's what you're into (I would've rather been anywhere but a place like that the one time I went.. but most people are more social than I am)
I know the feeling, we're not the most social of people either... but that's actually something we're both working on, for our own benefit. Looks like we just missed a local meet, but I think attending something like that could be quite beneficial to us, talking face to face with some like minded people. We'll stick the next meet up in our calendar

Quote:
If you like board games groups or gaming conventions, there's lots of opportunity to meet and flirt there. I hear swing dancing & poly often goes hand in hand. If you are outgoing and flirty you can find people to date anywhere. It really depends on where you live and what your interests are to determine how it's easiest to "actively" seek partners if you are interest in being intentional about it.
Doesn't really sound all that different from mono dating, I think I'm more worried about how to raise the subject with a new friend.

From reading other threads, it seems like there are quite a lot of cowgirls/boys out there... but that's just something we'll have to learn to deal with.

Quote:
Getting past mono conditioning? Eh...my parents were both cheaters/swingers at various times so I had odd ideas about it. However being so happy about being in love with two people at once was conflicting, but since neither of them had a problem with it that was enough for me.

Good luck!
For me, while still a bit pensive, I don't think it'll take me much to get over the conditioning. I was brought up in a very free-thinking house with a push to find nothing more than happiness, in whatever form it may take. So while I still feel a bit of attachment to mono society, I can see myself getting past that quickly.

For Kas, it's a little more difficult. She was raised catholic, so was brought up with a definite push toward mono relationships. She lost her faith a long time ago & is a very intelligent woman - so she recognises there's absolutely nothing wrong with it if it's what we both want, but there's still the years of conditioning she went through that's not going to be the easiest of things to just shrug off. I guess that book you mentioned will be a good read for this, along with "The Ethical Slut"?

As I re-read that last bit, I'm unsure how to phrase it differently - but realise it could read like I'm pushing her toward something she may not be comfortable with. This is not the case & not something I would ever do to her. She actually came up with the idea before me!
Reply With Quote