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Old 07-23-2012, 07:43 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jonandkas View Post
I'm open to a quad or similar if that's something that would make Kas happy. We need something that works for both of us, I think a bit of experimentation will be required to figure out what's right for us.
I would ditch that idea. As in - if you can't rephrase it "I'm open to a quad if we meet the right people and it will make Kas AND I happy" then don't even entertain it. Experimenting with people to test out what you're looking for can be bad. These other people are hearts and souls, and although I know there are happy quads, almost every post I've ever read about a quad is about how one person really isn't that interested anymore, or never was as invested, and then you have 4 unhappy people.

My advice is to date as individuals, if a triad happens in the future, great if that's what you want! Lots of problems come from looking for a specific configuration instead of being open to individual connections and seeing where they go.

Read some of the books on the Books and Websites sticky, I've read most of the poly ones and would recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, it will help guide you through a lot of the good questions, and what to expect, when transitioning from mono to poly. It will help ensure you and Kas KNOW if you're on the same page or not, instead of accidentally thinking you are and finding out you're wrong through trial and error and drama.

I "made the switch" because my 1st husband and I married young, had been together over a decade, and outside influences had made us aware there were other options so we started talking about it. I believe mainly what both of us hoped to get out of it originally was a bit of variety in sexual experiences, since each of us had only had a few other sexual partners/experiences as teens.

Did I get what I wanted out of it? Hmm kind of? Originally was not aware of polyamory, though when I discovered information about it, it seemed like a good fit for what I wanted. Was still a surprise to fall in love with somebody else. That is one thing people new to it often aren't prepared for the reality of. Read and discuss what people say about NRE (new relationship energy) and be willing to examine your own behavior if you start dating - try to be aware if you're falling under its spell.

Be aware that if one of you falls in love, you might want to spend a lot of time with your other partner, even splitting time equally and having "co-primaries" or come up with the brilliant idea you should all live together. You can't know what the future holds, but it's a good idea to be aware of the possibilities. What you think you want now, or promises you make to each other that no other relationship will rock your boat, are idealistic. Maybe it will be true, but do not count on it too much.

I pursued it on OKCupid.com. I met my current husband on it. I met my current boyfriend on it. Anybody I've known who was registered there and that I've been great friends or partners with were a 90% or so partner and/or friend match. Look for local munches and meeting if that's what you're into (I would've rather been anywhere but a place like that the one time I went.. but most people are more social than I am) If you like board games groups or gaming conventions, there's lots of opportunity to meet and flirt there. I hear swing dancing & poly often goes hand in hand. If you are outgoing and flirty you can find people to date anywhere. It really depends on where you live and what your interests are to determine how it's easiest to "actively" seek partners if you are interest in being intentional about it.

Getting past mono conditioning? Eh...my parents were both cheaters/swingers at various times so I had odd ideas about it. However being so happy about being in love with two people at once was conflicting, but since neither of them had a problem with it that was enough for me.

Good luck!
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