Originally Posted by Fiona
What do you do when one of your partners is dating someone you don't like? I don't discount the possibility that we could end up being friendly, but I'm damned if I can see just how that would happen right now. Sigh. My husband is all stressed out by this, and so is my partner (can't blame him, after Girlfriend had that totally inappropriate conversation with him) and so am I. I'm just sick of the whole thing. It's getting to the point where I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it.
I wouldn't ask my husband to break up with her, any more than I would break up with my partner if he asked - we don't work that way. But I don't know how to handle this either.
Since you say that you and your husband aren't the types to make each other break up with other partners, I'd say you have to just not like the person. I guess I wonder why you even have to like the person in the first place? He's the one in a relationship with her, not you. And you're the one in a relationship with your male partner, not your husband. I know that's all easier said than done, but I really do fail to see why there has to be "liking."
Our regular friends sometimes date people who aren't awesome to us. Sometimes we don't like the person. But...usually it's not that big a deal.
I guess i tend to think when a poly person says they "don't like" a husband or wife's mate, that it is coming from jealousy or resentment, even if just a little. I don't want to presume, but you know, it's only natural. The truth is, most men and women in general don't fall into any extreme likable or dislikable category. Most people fall into at least a general "he's alright" category.
To put it in perspective, when I first started dating a guy who was in a polyamorous relationship, I knew his girlfriend already. In fact, I"d known her for two years already (distantly). I never had anything much for or against her except for (just a little) thinking she was kind of a snob. But when I started dating her boyfriend, I have to say...the 'not liking' came out a bit more than it ever had before. Just a little. She and I had so little interaction. I wouldn't say she did anything wrong at all. But I liked her less when we were dating the same guy.
I dunno....I guess I'm just saying that I see SO much "I don't like her" on this board coming from women about their husbands' partners. And there's always some qualification like "And it's not jealousy, it's that...she makes me uneasy."
I tend to think there'd be absolutely nothing (or very little, anyway) wrong with these women if they weren't dating your husband. If she's "dramatic," it's because you guys are in a dramatic situation that pits your ego and needs against hers. It's not because her personality is just naturally dramatic. Not necessarily. I mean, she probably thinks *you're* dramatic because you guys are experiencing drama with each other.