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Old 07-23-2012, 05:30 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,895

Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
...Since the last time R and I spoke about it my feelings for G have developed further and I feel like I need to update R on this for the sake of honesty. Especially because G and I have been a lot more affectionate and I'm not sure whether that is crossing a boundary too.

So my question is...would it be better to tell R now over the phone and give him two weeks to think things through and process it? Or, would this be better to do in person?

Although I would love the freedom to be intimate with G this conversation wouldn't be about asking for anything like that. I just want to keep R updated.
This is a difficult question because so much depends on the person involved and how they process information.

First of all, if you are unsure if you are crossing a boundary (i.e. being more affectionate) then stop. This conversation will go a lot better with less emotional baggage if it turns out that you ARE crossing a boundary if you can report - "We had been doing this and this but then I realized that it might be a boundary for you and we stopped until you and I could have this conversation." Better to err on the side of caution, I think.

For me I would need have this conversation in person. I am very, very bad at talking to people on the telephone - I literally have a hard time even understanding people if I can't see their faces and non-verbal communication. But I tend to over-think things and get anxious so even ASKING me (on the phone) whether I would prefer to have the conversation in person or on the phone would be bad for me. I would answer that we should have it in person and then spend the next two weeks working myself into a tizzy thinking about what you could possible want to talk about.

If it were ME in R's position the best course of action would be to stop any activity you were uncertain of, pausing things with G at a level you KNOW is ok. On the first day you guys see each other again - get caught up and cuddly-close again. Then after a few hours bring up the relationship/whatever with G that he already knows about and say - "I know that we talked about stuff before and you are ok with x/y/z. Now that we are actually trying this out I have some more questions about how you feel/what you are ok with to help me decide how to proceed. Is now a good time to talk about it or do you want to schedule a conversation in a few days?"

Once you have the conversation I would need a day or so to "process" and work on my answer/response so I wouldn't plan any major activities/visiting for the next day but schedule the next time to talk about it.

Now this is just ME and what I would need in R's position. Other people process information differently (and can apparently talk on the phone without saying "What?" every 5 seconds).


PS. This phone thing is why I could never envision being in a LDR - I rarely even talk to my friends unless they are physically present.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 07-23-2012 at 05:34 AM.
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