CielDuMatin - I hadn't even thought of the kids being in a position where one female would say something and the other would contradict it. While it should be an obvious concern, I guess I didn't even think about it because I'm clearly the primary parent for all my children and I wouldn't expect that to change. I encourage support from others and don't mind sharing but when it comes to big decisions and day-to-day child rearing, I'm definitely the one that is in charge (thought don't let me sell Piper short, he is an excellent, involved parent too - I just tend to be in the more primary role for a variety of reasons - work, travel, experience, etc.). Having said that, you bring up a good point that should be discussed explicitly should we get that far with Colada or anyone. I wouldn't expect it to even come into play with the older two - as they have one foot out the door already. But the younger one could be different and that would need to be explicitly discussed.
AnnabelMore - yes, you are also correct - and that has been discussed as well. I think my struggle lies in that I'm not sure I share as well as Piper would like if I'm in a primary role. But in total honesty, I think at the end of the day I'm at a point of being able to say: 1. Poly is intriguing to me 2. My husband is clearly Poly 3. I don't like feeling trapped and burdened without the reward of time and attention one gets in a mono relationship - but beyond that, I'm totally unsure. I am a very resilient individual and so I tend to just go and go and go and go and make things work. Barring safety issues, I will make a relationship work one way or another. Even facing Butterfly's death, I work hard to remember her with a smile. And in the wake of Pea's longterm hospital stay, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other - sometimes praying she'd live and sometimes wondering if she'd be better in a place with less pain. But regardless, I just keep moving and working and caretaking. And here we are now - a whole new reality. My ex can't harm the kids anymore, Butterfly has been layed to rest, Pea is fully recovered, my new job (which I took to be home more with Pea) has settled into a nice rhythm, and now...Colada...now I can focus on this question of what do we do? My typical tendency is to jump in with both feet and say - I can make this work! But this time, I've said no. I need time. I need peace. I need to get back on my own two feet. I need space. I told Piper it's like playing golf. Sometimes, when you're in the rough, it's smarter to hit the ball backwards into the fairway so that you can get a clear shot to the hole, rather than chopping away at the ball trying to hit it directly to the hole because with all the trees and tall grass, you're actually more likely to miss. So the punchline is: I'm making no decisions at this point. Rather, I know what it's like to be a mono wife with Piper. Right now, I'm exploring what it's like to sorta be a secondary. My hope is that with time, space, and a lot of breathing, I will be able to see more clearly where I need to ultimately land and my ability to ask for that will also be clearer. (doesn't that just sound so good? hahahaha - we'll see if I get anywhere close to my goals - but hey, ya gotta start somewhere, right?)
PS - I follow your blog too and have learned a lot from your thoughts, insights, and wishes - thank you for sharing.