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Old 07-22-2012, 10:07 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I've noticed that there is a real strong emphasis on pointing out what poly is or is not in these... discussions. Usually to the detriment of the group wanting communication between metamours from the outset.
I imagine the difference in perspective between individuals and a group can be substantial. That being the case, the individual as well as the group will hopefully try and be patient with the other in their needs/rules - not just one laying down the law for the other in either direction.

People don't always start out already talented in the required arts of an activity-polyamory included.
Surely, which makes the presence of forums like this a valuable thing. We can air out our differences and come into contact with those of differing views. In this, if we are of a mind to learn, we can learn from their mistakes/successes.

If someone we're interested in says that they can't date us unless we do xyz (like meeting their other partners). They are not making an unreasonable demand upon us. They are stating their limitations and we are PERFECTLY FREE to tell them that we are no longer interested and move on.

Likewise if someone tells us that they will not meet our other partners, they are not making an unreasonable demand upon us. They are stating their limitations and we are perfectly free to tell them we are no longer interested and move on.
I couldn't agree more, each person is obviously free to choose what relationship they are in vs the ones they avoid. I'm glad that there is a forum like this one in which we can display our preferences freely and lay out what works for us and what doesn't. It would seem valuable (the primary value of this kind of forum) to hash out these views - to challenge what we believe, to question the rules we follow, to understand the viewpoints of our fellows - otherwise what exactly is the point of this kind of board?

We can proclaim to the high heavens that we trust our new found love and therefore our or their other partners should trust us. But, every person whose ever been cheated on, at some point trusted their partner. People lie ALL OF THE TIME & often they lie VERY WELL. If we proclaim that poly is about being upfront and honest, with everyone aware.... we can't also hold strictly to not meeting (by some format or another) their other partners.
BECAUSE we can't KNOW that our partners ACTUALLY are being upfront and honest unless we verify...
We encounter dishonest people in our lives, everyone does. These experiences shape how we interact with strangers in the future, this is just a fact.

If we want TRUE autonomy over our own lives-we MUST verify that the choices we make-like verifying our partners honesty-versus taking it at face value.
To be truly autonomous I should think that we would need to surround ourselves in a litany of rules resembling a military fort. Granted, this might well do the trick, but it isn't for everyone.

TOO TRUE, A GREAT TRAGEDY OF (damnit, my stupid caps lock, it makes it look like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs) building new relationships. I am, unfortunately, not wise in the ways of "reading people" or verifying that their "intentions are good" upon meeting them. For me it ends up being a get-to-know-you period where I am sometimes correct and sometimes wrong. For those who have the Jedi like ability to read a persons personality/intentions upon meeting them, I am envious.

It's not about "right" or "wrong" or being more or less poly. It's about being free to do what is right FOR OURSELVES and finding partners who have compatible (please don't read identical-that's not what I mean) limitations.

I have friends I consider VERY VERY meaningful close friends who practice poly VERY VERY VERY differently than I do and it's OK! We love each other anyway.

I have friends who practice relationships very very differently (like being mono) and guess what? It's ok because we love each other anyway.
Differences can be grand. The ability to appreciate the differences of our fellows is quite a feat - I still have quite a bit of improving to do on this front.

EVEN the people who say that they would never tolerate having to meet me (as the wife) first-admit when they hear the whole story-that they would have wanted to know (as the potential girlfriend) what was going on.
BUT THEY WON'T KNOW THAT if they don't meet me.
Presentation and context is everything. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to how people respond to non-negotiable demands.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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