Well, he's out with his sub this morning... I'm trying not to be bothered by it. I really want to deal with this stuff so I can just relax and enjoy what we have for what it is.
We had a talk the other night and I tried to explain to him that I just like to hear stuff verbally at times. I know that I should just see from his actions that he cares about me and is excited to see me, but I think it's just a lot easier to rationalize things like that away than him telling me that I excite him and he wants to see me, if that makes sense. He pointed out that this past weekend when he came to see me, he was at work from 7am to 9pm and then left to make the 3 hour drive to visit me even though I suggested he come in the morning, so I shouldn't worry that he isn't into me. And he's right, I know. I need to deal with my issues.
I think it's mostly going to be time helping. I know it'll never really be the same as my marriage where I know he'll never leave me, but I just wish it wouldn't be at the forefront of my mind so much. I guess the problem is that I am overthinking what it is, because I really want it to stay like it is- just somehow more like a committed thing than a casual thing. Does that make any sense? And I guess it would be nice if he felt about me the way I feel about him, except that I really don't know what I feel anyway.
I also want to deal with my insecurities because I have the opportunity to make three of his fantasies come true at once, and if I can figure out a way to wrap my head about it, I'd like to give it to him. He has always wanted a FMF, the opportunity to tie two women up at once, and to have two women sucking his cock. I am straight, so we both figured he was going to have to get those things from another partner. But another hotwife lives around the block from me and she and I are getting to know each other, and she's said she would be interested in helping him fulfill those fantasies if I wanted to. But that brings up a host of issues for me.
He actually doesn't expect me to play with the other woman; he says in his fantasy, he satisfies us both. And he's the kind of man I think might actually be able to keep two women satisfied at once. I'm not sure how limited my interaction with the other woman would be, and I guess I'd be willing to experiment a little, but guys do MFM all the time with no other contact so I'd imagine that's workable. My concerns, of course, are that he'd like the other woman better. She is 20 years older than I am, but she has a very slim tight body, and I'm still about 30lbs overweight. Plus, she'd be new and I'd be familiar. She lives so close... what if he decided he'd rather see her instead of me? What if she satisfies him better than I can? I don't know. I don't want my selfishness to keep me from giving him something I know he would love, but I also know if I can't deal with my concerns, it's better not to do it. I did mention to him it might be a possibility and he made it clear that if I am not 100% comfortable he doesn't want to do it.
And I guess I'm just having issues because I think that I've gotten pretty heavily emotionally involved and I don't know if he feels the same way. I would tend to doubt it. I know he cares about me as a person and will always treat me with respect, but I doubt he's worrying about whether he's in love with me :P He did make it clear to me that he doesn't want to replace me because he enjoys spending time with me so much and that we have a lot of fun together, and he likes that we can do normal things as well because we enjoy each other's company. I hate that didn't take away my anxiety.